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What is radical acceptance
It’s psychological practiceswhich are needed to relatively quickly survive a difficult situation and find motivation to live on.
A person to whom something very unpleasant has happened tends to vacillate for a long time between denial, melancholy and doom, anger and self-pity. Radical acceptance helps you step out of this cycle, accept that reality is what it is, and focus on actions that can make things better or relieve pain.
The basic idea of radical acceptance can be formulated something like this: “Bad things happened, I’m hurt, and that’s completely normal. I can be stuck in my misery, or I can accept that the events have already happened and move on.”
Moreover, accepting something does not mean agreeing with it or deciding that it is normal, or suppressing your feelings and forcing yourself to radiate positivity. No, the point is that things are exactly as they are, and all worries about this are fair. But they hurt, and we need to shift our focus a little towards something more constructive.
This idea is far from new; its roots lie in the philosophy of Buddhism, according to which the causes of suffering should be sought in desires and attachments. Psychologists also often use this concept to help clients. In 1998, psychotherapist Marsha Linehan developed an approach she called dialectical behavior therapy. This type of therapy effective for borderline personality disorder and depression and, among other things, helps develop stress tolerance and acceptance.
Who Should Practice Radical Acceptance and Who Shouldn’t
The main “indication” for this approach is that a person is not able to change what happened, the situation is at the moment or, in principle, is outside his sphere of influence.
Such cases include the death of a loved one, separation, loss of work or property, political events and natural phenomena, any disappointments and collapse of illusions. For example, I went to college to get my dream profession, and realized that this is not at all what I want to do; I bought an apartment, but it turned out that I got a lot of problems.
But there are situations in which radical acceptance is inappropriate. These are all cases where a person is mistreated and is in danger: abusive relationships, violence and harassment, injustice and violation of rights. Also, radical acceptance is not the best solution if a person can change the situation.
How to Practice Radical Acceptance
This is not the easiest skill; it cannot be mastered in five minutes according to the instructions. The ability to accept needs to be developed, sometimes throughout one’s life. But the good news is that you will get better every time. Here are some recommendations that will help with this.
1. Learn mindfulness
The first step to acceptance is awareness of what is happening to you, your emotions, their causes and the events that influence them.
If you are overwhelmed by acute emotions, you must first isolate specific emotions from this tangle: rage, melancholy, grief, a sense of loss, fear, sadness – and name them. Then trace why they arose, what thoughts and events triggered them.
- “I’m furious because I was unfairly fired.”
- “I feel betrayed because the person I love has left me.”
- “I’m scared because I think I’ll never find a normal job or I’ll be alone forever.”
- “I give up because I seem worthless to myself and I don’t know how to continue to live.”
If you understand the “event-thought-feeling” chain, it will be easier for you to focus on what happened and how to accept and let it go.
2. Recognize that the situation is not in your control.
What happened, happened. It is not in your power to rewind everything back and make everything different.
Alas, there is no way to resurrect a dead person, defeat an incurable disease, or roll back a catastrophic financial decision. Getting back a spouse who has already filed for divorce, getting reinstated at a job from which you were fired, or canceling an unsuccessful move is most often also almost impossible.
And this is a given that we will have to work with further. It’s worth reminding yourself of this more often so that there is no temptation to fall into denial, bargaining and painful fantasies: “But if I had acted differently…”, “What if I can still turn to that witch from the Internet…”.
3. Imagine that you have already achieved acceptance.
So you woke up in the morning and realized that you had gotten used to your small or big disaster. How do you feel? What do you do? What does your life generally look like? Are you better off than now, when you are overwhelmed by a feeling of injustice and self-pity? Try to try on this state for yourself.
4. List what you can influence
Yes, much does not depend on us. But there are events and conditions the control of which is in our hands. For example, if you lose your job, you cannot influence the management’s decision, but there are some things you can do.
- Ask for detailed feedback on your work and recommendations for a new place, if this is appropriate and you lost your job through no fault of your own, but, for example, due to layoffs.
- Update your resume and start looking for a new job.
- Go to school to fill a skill gap or apply for a higher position.
- Take care of yourself and your well-being: relax, go to a psychotherapist, do things that are pleasant for you, spend time with loved ones.
The very realization that you are not helpless is already very encouraging and helps you find the strength to accept the current situation.
5. Make an action plan
If there is something you can do, do it. Yes, you cannot return everything as it was, but you can distract yourself or somehow sweeten the pill for yourself.
For example, you really don’t like the apartment you live in, but you can’t change it now. Look for budget-friendly ways to refresh your interior and create coziness. Take a walk around your neighborhood and find interesting places to hang out.
Or, let’s say, you had a breakup with a loved one. Yes, it hurts and nothing can be changed. But you can do something that you didn’t have time for while you were in a relationship: take a course, start a creative project, treat yourself to an at-home spa every weekend.
In any case, your task is to switch from unproductive experiences to specific and understandable actions.
6. Meditate
You don’t have to do it for a long time or bother with the rules. Just sit with your back straight, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Don’t try to stop your thoughts, but gently return your focus to your breathing every time you get distracted by the fact that a car is driving outside the window, your stomach is growling, and tomorrow you’ll have to take that stupid subway again.
Meditation teaches you to let go of thoughts and experiences and focus only on the present moment.
7. Keep a diary
Take 20 minutes a day and pour out everything that’s bothering you on the page. Write that you are angry and sad, that you are tired of everything, that the world is unfair. Don’t worry about writing well, no one will read these posts anyway.
8. Ask for help
If you are stuck in negative experiences for a long time and they prevent you from living a full life, and you cannot cope with this on your own, consult a psychotherapist.
Try different techniques 🧐
