It is unlikely that you can achieve serious goals without effort at all. Sometimes the larger the result, the more steps you need to take towards it. When it’s difficult to move, we call on discipline to help. But here it is important not to cross the line between necessary efforts and violence against oneself. Here are some criteria that can help you find this invisible trait.
1. Consider how important your end goal is to you.
It is important to understand why you need the result of your efforts, and what will change when you achieve your goal. Let’s say you are learning a foreign language. It’s important to imagine the benefits you’ll get when you become fluent in French, English or Japanese. Evaluate not abstract benefits, but possible changes in your life.
For example, someone will be able to translate songs by their favorite artists and understand what the musicians say in interviews. Or communicate with idols on social networks. And some will be happy to read scientific publications on an interesting topic, participate in conferences and festivals. And also communicate with like-minded people.
If the goal is truly important, you will be motivated to practice regularly. Observe what thoughts come to you when you think about the upcoming activity. First option: “Of course, I want to communicate freely. True, it’s difficult to start a lesson every time.” And the second: “I have to study, I have to force myself, even if I don’t want to.”
In the first case, the result is really important to you. You understand that regular effort is required. And most likely, you are ready to apply them, even if you are not always enthusiastic.
If you are closer to the second option, think about how important the result is to you. Maybe an online translator is enough for you and you don’t plan to communicate with the French or Japanese. But you really want to learn a language to prove that you are in no way inferior to your colleagues. In this case, you may have chosen the wrong target. Then trying to force yourself to exercise can feel very much like violence.
Daria Kuzina
Many people have experienced pressure on them in childhood. When their parents taught them how to live correctly: “Time for business is time for fun,” “You shouldn’t like studying! This is your responsibility!”, “We have invested so much in you, you must please your parents!”
Thus, even in childhood, a child learns to renounce his true desires and needs. And he prioritizes only responsibilities. Therefore, as he gets older, there are more and more things in his life that he forces himself to do. And less and less of what he really wants.
The test words here are “I want, it’s important to me” and “I have to, it’s my responsibility.” The first option is where effort and discipline are. The second is a signal of possible violence against oneself.
2. Check if your expectations are realistic
Let’s continue with the example of learning languages. Let’s say that in order to make progress, you made a study schedule. We decided to study for half an hour a day and memorize 50 new words a week. And for the first fortnight we studied with joy. But then we felt tired. In addition, the words that you remembered perfectly ten days ago suddenly began to be forgotten. Motivation disappeared, replaced by irritation and a desire to quit classes.
In such a situation, there is also a choice between discipline and violence. The second often arises due to high expectations and unjustified self-criticism. To continue, it is worth reviewing the class schedule and the amount of information being studied. Perhaps fifteen minutes of daily practice and ten new words a week will be enough to get started.
The main thing is to find a mode that is comfortable for you. One that you can stick to for months. After all, the path to a difficult goal is a marathon, and it is important for you not to become exhausted.
If a person continues, gritting his teeth, to study according to a schedule that he cannot maintain, this looks like violence against himself. This path is unlikely to lead to the goal – rather, to burnout mixed with disappointment.
3. Monitor your emotional state
Your reactions and feelings can indicate whether effort is important to you and whether discipline is worth calling for help.
Evaluate your feelings before starting active actions
Imagine that when you think about the upcoming task, you feel curiosity, pleasant excitement, and anticipation. These are signals that the task is important and interesting. Perhaps, along with positive emotions, you will have anxiety and doubts about whether you can cope and whether you will give up what you started. This may be evidence of an understanding that the goal requires serious effort. And that you can’t do without discipline.
But if, when thinking about the upcoming task, you feel only melancholy and despondency, you are not far from violence.
Check how you feel during the activities or after they are completed.
A good sign may be a sense of challenge that you want to overcome. Along with it often comes persistence, even stubbornness. And the confidence that no obstacles will force you to quit. Of course, at times you may feel confused, angry and furious. But these emotions will only spur you on and encourage you to move on.
After the end of the next stage, a feeling of fatigue often comes. But along with it will come a feeling of pride. And the satisfaction that at least a tiny part of the journey is over. These emotions will support your desire not to give up the necessary efforts.
But let’s say you’re constantly stressed, anxious, and dissatisfied. And your strongest desire is to look at your watch to see if it’s time to finish work. Be careful: you may be committing violence against yourself. Especially if after the end of the stage you only feel tired and empty. And you don’t see the point in what you are doing.
Daria Kuzina
One of the important markers for defining violence or discipline is your ability to refuse a task. That is, despite the importance of the matter, you can put it off today because you have neither the strength nor the desire. Whether it’s cleaning, doing laundry, meeting friends or a work task. If you experience fear, anxiety, a pressing sense of responsibility, painful anxiety, there is a high probability that we are talking about violence against ourselves.
4. Assess your response to failure.
This is one of the excellent markers that helps distinguish discipline from self-abuse.
It is unlikely that failures and mistakes will make anyone rejoice and have fun. They often cause frustration or outbursts of anger. Or maybe a desire to cry or to curse for a long time the circumstances, those around you, and yourself. But imagine that after this you analyze the experience gained. This stage may drag on, but it ends positively. You draw conclusions from an erroneous attempt and understand what needs to be changed in the previous approach. And now you are again ready to go towards the goal and make the necessary efforts.
Second option. You feel disappointed in your own abilities and competencies. You begin to harshly scold yourself, even make fun of yourself. These are signals of self-abuse. In this case, it makes sense to return to the second point and check whether you are overestimating your capabilities. And if necessary, adjust the action plan.
Daria Kuzina
If you had strict parents as a child, and you had to pay more attention to your responsibilities than to your interests and entertainment, most likely you have a developed inner critic. He pushes you to do more than you can. This critical voice begins to sound inside you, reminding us of your failures, intimidating, judging, pushing us to violence against ourselves.
Or maybe you will calm down and analyze the situation. And you will conclude that the expenditure of time, effort and other resources is too great and the result obtained does not compensate for them. The thought that it would be nice to give up everything will bring relief. In such a situation, it is worth re-evaluating how important the original goal is. This allows you to decide whether you are willing to continue putting in the effort. If not, maybe you should give up trying so as not to commit violence against yourself.
Then, after some time, you can choose a new, truly inspiring goal.
5. Follow your body signals
Your physical condition is one of the most important criteria. Like all the previous ones, it will help you evaluate both personal and work projects.
If the to-do list gives you a sense of drive, if you see opportunities for growth and development in solving problems, you are in the sector of effort and discipline. In such cases, you can feel a surge of energy and vigor, you want to move and be active.
But it happens that instead of positive emotions, apathy constantly arises. The body gives alarming signals: every now and then minor ailments arise, you get sick more often and take longer to recover. If this situation lasts for a long time, you risk crossing an invisible line and finding yourself in the territory of self-abuse. In this case, you should first of all rest and recuperate.
Daria Kuzina
Develop within yourself a supportive, permissive, loving voice that will be on your side. Don’t forget to praise yourself, celebrate your successes and reward yourself for your results. Allow yourself to rest, put off tasks if you don’t have the strength. You are an adult who chooses what is most important today. Learn to find positive solutions for yourself. And then it will be much easier to develop discipline.
After all, discipline is just a tool that helps you with what already brings you pleasure.
If you find it difficult to cope on your own, a visit to a psychologist will help. Then, when you have regained your strength, you can assess whether you are ready to continue solving unpleasant problems or whether it’s time to change something.
Help yourself 👇
