Just because you’re dating someone who has cheated before doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed to fail. Of course, when you know about infidelities in the past, for example, that one time at a corporate party a partner and a colleague went too far or that he maintained an affair on the side for months, this causes justifiable concern about your future together with him.
Contrary to the popular belief that a person who cheated the first time will cheat the second time, this is not a universal truth. Yes, many may have an impressive track record of cheating, but many others can also learn from their mistakes. This confirm research: not all former cheaters repeat their behavior in new relationships. And although the extent to which a partner has improved usually depends on many factors, several encouraging signs help to understand that he has chosen the right path.
1. He talks openly about the past because he wants to, not because he has to.
No one has the unique right to know everything about their partner’s past, and no one is obliged to reveal all the details of their previous relationships. Moreover, one can understand a person who is in no hurry to admit that he once cheated. Especially if a new relationship is just beginning, and you don’t want to jeopardize it by remembering old dramas.
This is why when someone voluntarily talks about their mistakes in the past, it means that they are likely to become a reliable partner in the future. Of course, no words give a 100% guarantee that betrayal will not happen again. But first, it shows that the person is admitting to their bad behavior because they want to be honest with you, and not because they feel pressured. Secondly, this is an opportunity to make sure that your relationship is not built on lies and secrets from the very beginning.
2. He knows why he cheated.
No explanation justifies cheating. But it can tell a lot about a person’s ability to introspect and the ability to take responsibility for their actions. These are important steps to first recognizing and then correcting harmful behavior.
If your partner says they couldn’t control anything or don’t know why the betrayal happened, this is a red flag. Anyone who has learned from his mistakes must be able to admit his shortcomings. For example, it’s fair to say that he was flattered by the attention of a pretty colleague, and not blame it all on champagne. Or that he was forced to seek intimacy on the side by his own low self-esteem, and not by the “detachment” or “ungratefulness” of his former partner.
3. He understands if you are skeptical or critical.
If you start talking about the past and your partner becomes defensive or makes you feel guilty because you need time to think about everything, this usually means that he has not taken responsibility. True repentance requires that a person acknowledge his misbehavior, even if he knows that forgiveness is not guaranteed.
To understand how remorseful your partner really is, pay attention to how he talks about his infidelity. What do you hear in his words: regret and repentance or, conversely, boasting and indifference? Does he share details or hide them? Blames someone else, but not himself?
A person who opens a new page in his biography will be sensitive to any of your reactions – disappointment, sadness, even anger. He will not convince you that you are “making a mountain out of a molehill.” And ideally, he will show patience if, for obvious reasons, you still think about whether you should risk it and continue dating him.
4. He only cheated once
Sometimes the circumstances of the betrayal don’t matter—whether it’s emotional or physical. But certain details, such as whether it was a single mistake or a series of episodes, can help determine how sustainable the behavior is.
Someone who has cheated often and for a long time is definitely more likely to do it again than someone who has been unfaithful only once – unless the pathological cheater has done serious work on himself. Unlike one-time affairs, repeated infidelities usually indicate problems associated with the desire to constantly receive approval from others, or with fear of serious obligations. To solve them, long-term therapy is most often required.
5. He took concrete actions to correct mistakes.
A solemn vow to never cheat again or mentioning cheating as your “biggest regret in life” can be reassuring. But loud statements are not enough to prove that a person has reformed. It’s not about words, but about actions.
For example, if a partner turned to a psychologist, this is a good sign. This usually means that he has already done something or is still doing something to correct his behavior. He might apologize to his ex, read books to understand why he cheated, or discuss your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries with you. These are all signs of taking the situation seriously.
Of course, none of the five signs will guarantee that you will not fall into the trap of a charming deceiver who will break your heart. But no matter how discouraging past infidelities may be, your relationship is not yet doomed to repeat history. Especially if the partner has convincingly shown that he sincerely strives to become better.
Understand the nature of betrayal 💔
