Situation: you fall madly in love with a guy, he seems perfect. And caring, and smart, and funny – the complete package. And then it turns out that it’s also mutual! A reason to rejoice, but instead you suddenly want to distance yourself and quickly block him on social networks. Sound familiar? Family psychologist and sexologist Zoya Prishyvalko explains where legs grow here and what can be done about it.
Why is this happening?
Types of attachment
We form relationships with people based on the experiences we had in our parental relationships. For example, your mother could be overprotective or, conversely, too cold. Then an insecure type of attachment is formed, and problems with intimacy may arise in adulthood.
A person wants to fall in love and have a relationship, but he feels danger. For example, he is afraid that he will lose his autonomy or that he will be smothered with love, as was the case in childhood. Or, in his opinion, he is so bad that he is not worthy of love. And if he suddenly enters into a close relationship with someone, he will definitely harm his partner and he will turn away from him.
Unrealistic beliefs about relationships
A person may have his own vision of falling in love and a view of relationships that do not coincide with reality. For example, it seems to you that it is always easy and fun with your partner. But as soon as you get into ordinary life, the “rose-colored glasses” fall off. Routine seems so unusual that it is impossible to come to terms with it, so it’s easier to leave.
Fear of Rejection
Some people are so afraid that their partner will reject them that they unconsciously become proactive. It’s easier for such people to say “no” first, so as not to face a possible failure in the relationship.
Fear of responsibility
It is also called fear of commitment – when a person does not understand how to develop in a couple. This happens if in childhood the roles between the parents were not clear: it is not clear what responsibility each partner took on. The child grew up in uncertainty, and due to the lack of other experiences in adulthood, he does not know how to build relationships after reciprocity.
Unstable self-esteem
When a person with unstable self-esteem seeks reciprocity, he is afraid to get closer. The thought rings in my head: “If my partner gets to know me better, he will turn away and leave me.” Therefore, it is difficult for him to open up, show vulnerability and build trusting relationships.
Craving for uncertainty
Some people simply love to achieve, conquer and “hunt”. They experience strong feelings precisely at the stage of uncertainty. They enjoy the process of proving to another person that they need to pay attention. In general, it’s like an addiction to an adrenaline rush – such people like it when the feelings of the other are still unknown.
How can you differentiate a harmful behavior pattern from a simple lack of reciprocity?
Usually you stop liking a person for a certain reason. You could be confused by some event, your partner’s behavior, his actions, or emotional state. That is, you can explain why you don’t want to be with this person.
The second case: you fell in love, received reciprocity, and your partner did not behave repulsively. But your feelings still disappeared. And this happens over and over again. This is a pattern of behavior.
How can I overcome reciprocity avoidance?
Think about the reasons
Ask yourself a question: why do you find yourself in the same situation over and over again? Why do you always want to run away from a relationship? If you understand where the problem comes from and why you have formed this way of thinking, you can work with this reason.
Change your tactics
Try a new pattern. For example, if you previously ran away immediately after the first doubts, this time try to linger and observe your feelings. In general, try to get away from your usual pattern of behavior and look for something that will resonate with you more.
Contact a specialist
If it is difficult to understand the reasons for your behavior, changing tactics does not work and you feel bad because of this, you can contact a psychologist or psychotherapist. A specialist will find the root of the problem and help you sort out your settings.
How should you not behave in such a situation?
Blame yourself
You shouldn’t become discouraged and torment yourself with thoughts that nothing can be changed. Maybe. Awareness of the problem is the first step forward. If you direct your attention to solving this situation, you will definitely get results.
Follow the pattern
Some, in search of a solution, begin to endlessly change partners and look for a person with whom everything will be different. However, unless you change your mindset and behavior, you will most likely find yourself in the same situation over and over again. Plus, you risk injuring yourself even more, which will make it harder to figure out why you got stuck in one place later.
Force yourself to get into a relationship
You shouldn’t start a new relationship through “I don’t want.” This way you risk harming both yourself and your partner nearby. To begin with, it is better to focus on yourself and figure out why the relationship causes such discomfort.
