Swearing and breaking up is unpleasant and painful. And before the holidays it can be doubly uncomfortable. Not only will you have to spend the special day alone, but also different thoughts creep in about the nature of this parting. Especially if a person initiates a quarrel on the eve of a holiday, and the next day after it pretends that nothing happened and tries to make peace. Let’s try to figure out what’s what.
Why do people fight and break up before the holidays, and then make up?
There could be many reasons for this, here are the most obvious.
Coincidentally
Of course, I would like to see an insidious plan in everything, but sometimes things happen for no reason. It’s just a coincidence: people didn’t share something and had a fight, and a lot of it. And taking into account the fact that the pre-holiday period is quite stressful for many, a person may simply be more irritable at this time than usual and explode over trifles. As a result, lovers quarrel, then reconcile – it happens to everyone. If this pattern of relationships is typical for the couple as a whole, then nothing special seems to have happened.
Oksana Shtyrkova
Family therapist, expert at the online school of psychological professions “Psychodemiya”.
Sometimes a banana is just a banana. Likewise, in a situation of separation, the couple is unlikely to look at the calendar when they realize that their relationship is no longer the same as before, and they are going through a crisis in their couple. Moreover, quarrels, conflicts, irritation can occur on any day, it’s just more noticeable before celebrations. For example, if the date of the quarrel is October 14, it is an ordinary day, but if February 13, it is easier for us to remember this day, since it is already associated with a certain holiday.
It seems like the relationship has run its course
This is especially true for the New Year, with which everyone begins a new life. Although such a trigger could be any other special day. So, gender holidays coincide with the beginning of spring, when you may also want updates.
And people in general like symbolic milestones. For example, start implementing some habit on the first day of the new month or on Monday. And if the relationship has reached some critical point, then a person may want to celebrate free, having already dealt with all the issues. At this moment, he can think more about himself and, last of all, about taking care of his partner’s feelings, and that parting before the celebration makes the situation even more tragic.
Although separation is also a trauma for the leaving partner, it is not a surprise for him. The person has been thinking about this for some time and in his head he is several steps ahead; his wounds may have already begun to heal. So it seems to him that his partner is fine.
However, there is always the possibility that the decision is too hasty. Let’s say that on Valentine’s Day a person looked at other people’s photos on social networks, decided that his relationship did not correspond to the glossy picture, and broke it off. And then the impulse subsided, and the initiator of the separation realized that he had gone overboard. And reconciliation falls in the post-holiday period.
To avoid stress
Holidays are not only about joyful emotions, they are also surrounded by a lot of social expectations and pressures. There are many different “rules” – how to celebrate, what to do, what gifts to give or not to give. Social networks are full of pictures of “ideal” gifts, rituals, and congratulations.
And in a stressful situation, Oksana Shtyrkova explains, the safest thing to do is to protect yourself from the source of stress – that is, to quarrel with your partner. Unconsciously, we choose to throw out emotions at the supposed cause of our experiences.
Oksana Shtyrkova
In addition, on holidays there is a certain tradition of performing significant actions. So, on Valentine’s Day or New Year, a large number of girls are waiting for marriage proposals. One of my clients, after three years of relationship, really wanted to receive the treasured ring on February 14th. The celebration was over, the dinner and flowers were impressive, and that was the end of it. The girl was offended and had a strong quarrel with her partner. But, unfortunately, the question of the wedding itself was never raised. The young man did not even know about the girl’s desire. After that, she said, he often dreaded the holidays and felt stressed before them.
To avoid giving a gift
That very memetic situation that is talked about a lot on the Internet is quite possible. People deliberately provoke conflicts so as not to give gifts or, for example, not to participate in preparations for a holiday, or to visit their partner’s friends or relatives.
In the second case, this may not necessarily lead directly to separation. A person can simply stop talking to a partner or slam the door and go to friends, leaving the other one in disarray and without support.
However, it may not always be that the initiator of the separation simply found a way to save money. Sometimes the reasons should still be looked for in the previous paragraphs.
Oksana Shtyrkova
It may be a matter of tension due to obligation. Social networks, promotions on marketplaces, and advertising impose on us the feeling that we are obliged to buy or give something. Please your partner not out of a sense of love, but out of a sense of duty. If choosing a gift or dealing with the unpleasant feelings around it causes a lot of stress, then the simplest thing to do is really remove the source of stress.
I recommend that couples discuss and agree on what the holidays mean to each of you, and how you both want to spend them (or not spend them).
What to do if someone breaks up with you before the holidays
One could say that if this is a separation for the first three reasons, then it doesn’t happen to anyone, but if a person clutches gifts, then there is nothing sacred about him. But in fact, all the points give reason to think.
There are no cloudless relationships; all couples fight from time to time. And the success of the union depends largely on how the partners get through these quarrels. If someone disappears after a fight, ignores the other, deprives him of help, forces him to experience the pain of parting, only to appear again later, this is not a very rosy dynamic. Therefore, you can take this as a signal that you should look at the situation and see how good this relationship is for you overall.
Oksana Shtyrkova
I remember grandfather Mitya, the hero of the film “Love and Doves,” who had a calendar showing a holiday every day. If you have a quarrel on the eve of the celebration, no one is stopping you from celebrating and celebrating when you want and how you want. Holidays are a reason to celebrate and rejoice. But if you are experiencing tension or grief, or are burdened by a sense of duty, it is worth discussing your feelings with your partner in order to come to new agreements that suit you.
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