Sometimes we feel embarrassed for complete strangers – for example, if a celebrity caused a public scandal or bit someone. With the light hand of pop culture, such feelings began to be called Spanish shame. We found out from clinical psychologists what this phenomenon is connected with and what Spain has to do with it.
What is Spanish shame
We all experience shame because it is a natural, basic emotion. However, children are born with a lack of shame: it is instilled in them by their parents. How many times each of us in childhood heard the usual “Shame on you” and “Don’t shame me!” This feeling is cultivated in us, firmly rooted in our heads, subsequently forcing us to be overly critical of ourselves and others and worry about every little thing.
The term “Spanish shame” refers to feelings of embarrassment, discomfort, shame and even guilt. for another. We feel it when someone finds themselves in an awkward situation or in a situation in which their action is perceived negatively.
The expression “shame of others” can be found in several languages, including Dutch, German and English. In English the phrases spanish shame and second hand embarrassment (literally “second-hand embarrassment”). In Spanish there is an expression vergüenza ajena. Exists versionthat it was Spanish psychotherapists who came up with a name for this feeling.
What does Spanish shame feel like?
“Even if you only witnessed something awkward, you can still feel what the other person is probably feeling at that moment. This raises the level of anxiety: what if something similar could happen to you? The body begins to react to stress,” speaks Doctor of Psychology Mariel Collins.
Citing the example of a passerby accidentally falling on the street, Collins names several physical manifestations of the stress of “Spanish shame.” This is exactly how we ourselves would react if an awkward situation happened to us:
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sudden flush of heat;
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feeling of “goosebumps” on the skin;
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shortness of breath;
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instinctive avoidance of eye contact;
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instinctive laughter.
Which people are more likely to feel embarrassed for others?
With high empathy
Neurophysiological mechanisms underlie our ability to experience empathy. That is, we are able to quite literally feel the pain of the person nearby. When observing his suffering, we turn on the same parts of the brain that are activated when we ourselves are in pain or ashamed. Therefore, people who have highly developed empathy feel the shame of another person with almost the same intensity as if they themselves had committed such an act.
Particularly sensitive people who have highly developed empathy may feel shame not only for their loved ones and acquaintances, but also, for example, for a popular actor who said something stupid in an interview or bit someone. Or for a passerby who threw a cigarette butt on the ground.
Feeling shame for another, it is as if we internally sympathize with him. As if feeling his embarrassment from the position in which his action had placed him. Although in fact the person for whom we are ashamed may not feel this embarrassment.
With violated personal boundaries
If a person is inclined to merge, that is, he has the feeling that those close to him are literally his continuation, he begins to love what they love, think the same and feel the same. “You’re sad, I’m sad too, you’re ashamed, I’m ashamed too.” In this case, it is simply impossible to separate your feelings and the feelings of another person: they seem to penetrate inside and take over. It is definitely very easy to feel shame for others in this case.
Hyperresponsible
Hyper-responsibility towards oneself leads to the fact that a person becomes critical and demanding towards other people. Because of his desire to control everything, he may feel a strong sense of shame for others when they do not live up to his expectations.
With low self-esteem
Low self-esteem causes a person to constantly be in anxiety and fear that he may find himself in an absurd situation and look like a “fool.” The level of social anxiety in this case was so highAndto the fact that any failure is perceived painfully – even if it is the failure of another person. It’s so easy to imagine yourself in his place!
Those who attribute their “negative” qualities to others
The human psyche has such a defense mechanism – projection. This is attributing your feelings and intentions to other people. It helps us deny that we have “negative” qualities. We attribute to others shadow, carefully hidden traits of our own personality that we consider undesirable.
For example, someone who is often late may feel embarrassed when a colleague is late for a meeting. For someone who was often criticized for being “very loud” as a child, loud people may also cause feelings of shame later on. By suppressing our “undesirable” qualities, pushing them deeper, we cannot fully accept our true selves. We strengthen these protective barricades by rejecting the manifestations of others.
What to do with this feeling
For most people, the ability to experience Spanish shame does not cause much discomfort. Typically, problems arise only in very sensitive, empathic and anxious people. For them, the feeling of shame for another can become a real test, intensifying anxious thoughts and even pushing them to illogical actions. They may avoid situations that put them in this state, thereby greatly reducing their quality of life.
If you feel uncomfortable with Spanish shame, try these steps:
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Become aware of what is happening. Admit that this feeling exists, say to yourself: “Now I am ashamed of this person because he did this or that thing. But nothing terrible or shameful is happening to me, I’m not doing anything bad now.”
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Use relaxation techniques. They will help you return to your boundaries and understand that it is not your shame. For example, take a few deep breaths and exhale slowly, and try to focus on your breathing. This way you will force your brain to switch from anxious thoughts and return to the “here and now” state. It will become easier for you to adequately assess the situation without succumbing to the wave of surging emotions.
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Try to eliminate the irritant. Think about what you can do to help yourself now. For example, if you notice that a colleague’s tights are torn, you can quietly inform her about it. Or if someone is talking loudly next to you, move further away.
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Don’t forget to respect others. Even if you see really awkward behavior or some kind of embarrassment (for example, an undone fly on jeans or a sweater worn inside out) and want to tell the person about it, try to be gentle. It is better to present information carefully so as not to offend people.
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Remind yourself: you are only responsible for yourself. You do not control other people’s actions and cannot influence other people’s thoughts. Take care of your comfort and let the person deal with his own life. If someone does something unworthy, it is solely his problem, not your problem.
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Use Spanish shame as a tool to educate yourself. We often feel shame from people who allow themselves to behave the way we would really like, but how we cannot because of our own attitudes and limitations. Carry out an internal “reconciliation”: do you have such a “rejected” part? What does she want? What is he afraid of? Who told her that she couldn’t do this? By recognizing and accepting this part, we learn to accept our true selves and accept our own imperfections.