Dinner with a large group, shared taxi rides, borrowing things for a while – freeloaders have many ways to take advantage of your generosity. It would seem that it is easy to stop – you just need to stop communicating with them. But it’s not that simple. Perhaps one of them is an old friend, a neighbor you share rent with, or a colleague you see every day. Also, for one reason or another, you may genuinely not want to cut them out of your life, even though they are draining you of money.
If you’re tired of someone constantly asking you for a loan but never paying you back, here are some ways to improve the situation.
Start a conversation about money
Money is a touchy subject and can be quite difficult to bring up. But most of us aren’t rich enough to always avoid talking about debt for fear of conflict. At some point, you will still have to have an honest conversation with your friend and explain to him that you are not his bank.
Don’t wait until your resentment reaches a critical point and forces you to take out your irritation on your freeloading friend – start a conversation right now. At the same time, try to give your friend credit. Proceed from the assumption that he does not consciously take advantage of everything at your expense, but simply for some reason does not notice this about himself.
Also, don’t shame your friend and mutter, “You never pay your half of the bill.” It’s better to say: “We ate at a cafe yesterday, and I paid for you. Can you give me my money back today?” The first example sounds passive-aggressive, the second contains a clear message and fair expectations.
Next, if your relationship allows, you can move on to a deeper discussion of the problem and find the reason for your friend’s behavior. Perhaps he is now in a difficult financial situation or was not taught how to handle money as a child. If you reach this level of openness, you will help your friend change or at least acknowledge what is happening.
Find out more 😕
Set your expectations clearly
After you identify the problem, offer a solution. A conversation about money is essentially a conversation about personal boundaries, and the first step to getting others to respect them is to clearly state them.
For example, the next time you go out to dinner with a friend, be sure to agree at the beginning that everyone pays for themselves. Or, if he borrows your car frequently and expects that he can do so at any time, let him know that this arrangement no longer suits you and he needs to look for an alternative.
Try to warn about such things in advance so that your friend does not feel that you are attacking him and does not begin to challenge your boundaries.
Collect evidence
If you’re worried your friend will become defensive, have concrete evidence ready. For example, look through your payment history in your banking app and highlight a few times you paid for it at the movies or in taxis. This will show that even if your friend is not aware of his behavior, you are monitoring your budget and setting boundaries so that he stops draining your finances.
Stand one’s ground
When you share your expectations with a friend, be prepared to be firm and keep your word. You no longer lend him money, you don’t pay for him at the bar, and you don’t use the loopholes you used to avoid outright rejection. Make it clear that your “no” is more important than your budget because it’s about your relationship and the boundaries you set.
You may be worried about how a firm refusal will affect your friendship. But if you’re reading this article, your patience is probably running out. And the behavior of a freeloader will harm your communication in the long run more than an open discussion of boundaries. Ultimately, the only way to change your friend’s attitude toward your money is to change your response to his requests and expectations.
More about friendship and money 🧐