It happens that a friend, friend or colleague whom you trusted suddenly does something unexpected and unpleasant. It is no longer possible to go back to the past and fix everything. It remains to decide how to behave with this person in the future. Writer and author of several self-help books Homaiya Kabir offers step-by-step strategy for getting out of a difficult situation.
Find out what really happened
This stage will help separate facts from emotional reactions to them. Sometimes pain, bewilderment and disappointment are so strong that they force you to act rashly. Homaiya Kabir believes that five simple questions will help you assess the situation objectively.
1. Is what you know about the situation true?
Or this way: is the information you received true?
Let’s say you’re furious because a friend you trusted made fun of you in conversations with other people. Or maybe she talked about your problems, which you shared with her in confidence.
Remember where you got the information about what happened. Perhaps you overheard part of the conversation yourself when you happened to be nearby. Then you know for sure that your friend’s unacceptable behavior is a fact. But it is possible that other people told you about this, and they did not tell the truth. Think about how you can establish the truth. For example, is it worth talking to the other participants in that conversation and observing their reactions.
Don’t make hasty decisions. First, try to separate facts from emotions, and perhaps from unpleasant conclusions imposed on you.
2. How seriously were you let down?
This point is directly related to the previous one. Perhaps your reaction is too emotional, but in fact nothing special happened. But it is possible that the action of the person you trusted was truly unacceptable.
For example, you told your friend about your relationship with your loved one. And in the conversation they mentioned that after the conflict with his relatives, you couldn’t stand green clothes. During the scandal, it accidentally happened that several of his loved ones ended up wearing jumpers or hoodies of this color. And now he’s annoying you.
And later, in that same ill-fated conversation, your friend told your friends that you definitely wouldn’t like a party with a dress code of “all shades of green.” After all, you told her that you can’t stand this color. Then the conversation switched to other topics.
In the heat of emotion, it might seem to you that your friend betrayed your secrets. But she didn’t actually reveal any personal information. However, if you heard that she is retelling to outsiders the details of that conflict with your partner’s relatives, this is a significant violation.
3. Why did the person do this?
It’s worth figuring out whether the culprit of your problems specifically wanted to harm you. Let’s say the facts say: he understood perfectly well that he was hurting you. This is a difficult situation, and you should do everything to prevent it from happening again.
But perhaps a friend, relative, colleague said or did something without thinking. He didn’t imagine that you would be hurt or unpleasant. In this case, you are unlikely to feel better right now. But it is possible that in the future a person will change his behavior if he realizes that he acted ugly. The main thing is to show him that he was wrong.
4. How important is your relationship with the offender?
When you are badly let down by a close friend, it is very unpleasant. But if one of your casual acquaintances behaved incorrectly, it is unlikely to cause you serious harm.
In the first case, it is important to understand what happened in detail and think about how to communicate with the violator of your boundaries further. In the second, it may be enough to conclude that the person simply does not deserve your trust. Most likely, you should not get close to him – let him remain a casual acquaintance.
And it’s not a fact that you need to understand in detail the details of what happened. It may not be worth your time and emotions.
5. Is his apology sincere?
Perhaps this is the most important point. Don’t hide your emotions from someone who let you down. Try to convey to him how unpleasant the situation is for you. Of course, try to do it correctly. And evaluate how the one who hurt you reacts to the consequences of his action.
If you see that the person is genuinely sorry, you can try to repair the relationship. If his reaction seems formal to you or he is generally indifferent to your feelings, think about whether it is worth communicating with such a person further.
And further. Maybe you’re in too much pain and don’t want to interact with someone who let you down right now. Assess whether this person is willing to give you time to calm down and then return to communication. If yes, perhaps you will make peace. If not, a happy ending is less likely.
Look for a way out of the situation using the square principle
This simple technique helps calm your emotions and focus on facts. Draw a square on a piece of paper. Then draw vertical and horizontal lines that will divide the figure into four equal parts.
- IN AND – important relationships and sincere apologies.
- VN – important relationships and insincere apologies.
- NI – unimportant relationships and sincere apologies.
- NN – unimportant relationships and insincere apologies.
Think about which column your situation can be placed in. You can write in the selected square what facts helped you make your choice. Here’s what you might end up with:
- VI – a serious misunderstanding occurred, but everything can be corrected. It is worth meeting with the person who offended you and discussing the situation. Everyone can tell how she looked from his point of view, what he feels now and what conclusions he made. Well, then it makes sense to agree on how to prevent such misunderstandings. And try to fulfill the agreement.
- VN is unlikely to be an accident, and it will be difficult to establish relationships. Insincere apologies can show that the person is less important to you than you are. It is possible that in the future he will hurt you again and not even notice it. Therefore, you should protect yourself and switch to the most neutral communication possible. For example, do not share any sensitive information with this friend – then he will not reveal it to anyone. And re-evaluate your relationship in the future, when today’s acute emotions have finally subsided.
- NO – perhaps in the future you will begin to trust each other more. If a person is sincerely worried about what happened, most likely he did not want to hurt you. And it is unlikely that he will deliberately decide to harm you in the future. Therefore, do not rush to push away such a person. It might be worth getting to know him better. Over time, your relationship may warm up noticeably.
- NN – it looks like you have nothing to talk about. At least for now. If both you and the offender are equally indifferent to your relationship, you probably shouldn’t worry too much about what happened. You can treat an unpleasant situation as an unfortunate accident, like a broken zipper on your jacket. Or like the deep muddy puddle you encountered on your way home. Draw conclusions and now try to walk a different path. And communicate with other people.
Remember: you cannot undo a problem that has already happened. But it is able to prevent at least some of these situations in the future.
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