Maintaining a relationship for a long time is not as difficult as it sometimes seems. Psychologist and author of several books Rita Watson believesthat only three important rules will help maintain respect and love in a couple. It is enough not to forget about them either in times of complete mutual understanding or in periods of conflict.
1. Think positively about your partner
It is no secret that two different people can give opposite assessments of the same event. After all, our emotional perception of a fact is more important to us than the event itself.
We often evaluate people according to the same rules. We are able to justify a person for some controversial act if we understand his motives and look at the situation from his point of view. But we can also condemn if we refuse to see what is happening through his eyes.
Rita Watson writes that “positive illusions” are useful for long-term relationships. This does not mean that you should completely close your eyes to reality and completely idealize your partner.
From several options for explaining any of his actions, it is enough to choose not the accusingly negative one, but the most positive one possible.
For example, a boyfriend or husband gave his beloved flowers. One girl may think that he must have done something wrong to her, so he makes up for the mistake. Or maybe he’s even trying to distract her. He wants her to be happy with the flowers and not try to find out what exactly he is wrong about. As a result, this girl’s mood will be ruined, because the gift will become for her a symbol of possible dishonesty in the relationship. The other one in such a situation will simply rejoice and thank her partner. And you will be in a great mood all evening.
Perhaps the man really did something wrong. For example, he behaved undiplomatically at work and had a row with his boss. Now he is forced to look for a new company, and his vacation plans will have to be reconsidered. But the second girl will be able to take his mistake much easier. And she will appreciate that in such a situation he thought about her feelings.
Watson notes that feelings in a couple are stronger if each partner thinks of the other a little better than the other evaluates himself. Such a relationship can be expressed by the phrase “You believe in me even more than I believe in myself.”
Scientists also talk about the benefits of this position. It is known that in the first years of marriage, newlyweds get to know each other not only from the best side. 13-year study showed: Couples who continue to think well of their loved ones and even idealize them a little stay in love longer. And they are much less likely to get divorced years later.
To achieve this, you don’t always have to wear rose-colored glasses.
It is enough to constantly, even when discomfort arises in a relationship, not to forget what exactly attracted you to your chosen one. And also remind both yourself and him of his best qualities. It’s great if both partners try to develop such a habit.
But here it is important to be sincere, not to flatter or try to manipulate – such behavior, on the contrary, can cause irritation and destroy relationships.
2. Learn to forgive
Everyone has probably heard this advice. But often it is he who causes strong misunderstanding and irritation. Rita Watson reminds us: yes, it is not always easy to forgive. But it’s worth doing this, if only to get rid of constant immersion in negative memories. And feel free from old grievances.
It is worth remembering: we are talking about couples who experience mutual love, and not about people who are strangers to each other. In the second case, if one person has seriously offended or set up another, you can simply stop communicating with him. And only then, some time later, think about whether it’s worth forgiving him.
If people constantly communicate or live together, it is much more difficult to forget about an unpleasant episode. But there is also an advantage to this: you don’t have to put off resolving the conflict for a long time, but rather figure out what happened right away.
Forgiveness does not mean silently swallowing the insult and allowing your partner to hurt you again in the future. Vice versa. Don’t be silent – tell us how you are experiencing what happened, how you feel, how you see a way out of the situation. And then listen to your loved one.
To forgive a partner, it is worth understanding why in a difficult situation he could not have acted differently.
Remember the previous point and think that it is unlikely that your loved one had a goal to specifically hurt you. Most likely, he did not think about the consequences, did not see unpleasant options for the development of the situation. Or I was just wrong. Yes, this also happens – each of us is imperfect and sometimes does the wrong thing.
To forgive means to admit that an unpleasant situation has already happened and we cannot send our partner back in time to fix everything. But we are able to agree on how both of us should act now so that the painful incident does not happen again. And then we can comply with these agreements.
If people really value each other, situations like this can help them get to know their partner better, and at the same time understand their own needs. And ultimately strengthen the relationship and maintain it for a long time.
3. Don’t forget to say thank you
It is important for each of us to be noticed by his attention to other people, participation and expressions of care. Gratitude is a simple and accessible way to show that you see and appreciate the efforts of your loved one.
Utah State University Associate Professor Tasha Howard offers Some simple ways to thank your loved one:
- Give compliments. You can mentally admire when you see your partner doing a great job. Or inspires you and charges you with positivity. But it’s better to say it out loud – it will please both your loved one and you.
- Give your partner a break or help with business. Let’s say you see that a loved one puts a lot of effort into maintaining order in the house. Or he spends time preparing documents for a joint vacation: obtaining the necessary certificates, collecting information about vaccinations, and finding out in advance about all the interesting places for tourists. Help him – take on at least a small part of the load. This is one of the best ways to give thanks.
- Write to your loved one how much you appreciate them. Love letters seem to be back in fashion. Sometimes it can be difficult to tell your partner how much you appreciate him: the right words are suddenly forgotten, and anxiety prevents you from accurately formulating a thought. Give yourself time and write about everything you would like to say. Perhaps your couple will develop a new tradition of regularly exchanging letters full of romance and gratitude. Years later, you can read the messages together and enjoy immersing yourself in pleasant memories.
- Tell other people what you are grateful for in your partner. People often complain about loved ones when they are not around. For example, they tell their friends about problems and quarrels. They complain that their loved one was not practical enough or not very enterprising. And they themselves get used to remembering every reason for complaints or disappointment, but forgetting about the good. If you don’t scold your loved one, but more often remember in conversations with others what he is good at, then you yourself will begin to treat your loved one much warmer.
Research show: The habit of thanking your partner really strengthens the relationship. This means it allows you to preserve love for many years.
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