In the modern world, it seems there are no longer any prejudices about what a romantic relationship should look like. To be together, you don’t have to share the same living space or live in the same city. “Izba” reader Polina is building a long-distance relationship. This has its difficulties, but there are also plenty of positive aspects. For example, you both learn to talk and not keep silent about problems.
We met through a mutual friend (we also began to be friends at a distance with her, we communicated on Twitter). At some point I just got so fed up with my life that I freaked out, wrote and asked if I could come visit her for the weekend. She agreed.
At that time, this friend and I were in a small chat in which everyone knew each other personally, only I stood apart as a girl from Twitter. As a result, I flew to my friend’s place and we arranged a mini-chat meeting. Alexey came there too.
We chatted a lot, laughed, drank. The next day I invited him for a walk. They talked about life, talked about themselves, and at some point started kissing.
I decided that it would be cool to try a one-night stand with a guy I didn’t know well. Sleep and the next day fly back to St. Petersburg as if nothing had happened. But after a lot of kissing, he said: “Sorry, not today. I’ll call you a taxi.”
The next day I received a message from him – in a personal message, which surprised me a little, because before that we communicated exclusively via chat. We chatted about nothing. And in the evening it arrived: “I’ll miss you.” Well, that’s it, I melted.
We began to actively communicate. First correspondence, then voice calls, phone calls, flirting on the phone, gradually some kind of horny conversations. They started visiting each other. Gradually it turned into a relationship. So our long-distance relationship started out as something between “forced” and “immediately.”
“At first we didn’t formally indicate that we were dating”
Considering that before that I had several long-distance relationships and I promised myself never to get involved in this again… Agreeing to this format of relationship was, well… Not easy.
At first, we didn’t formally indicate that we were dating. Because of this, there were a lot of doubts that I shared, but Alexey suggested that for now we should see where it would all come, so as not to give each other false hopes.
But we communicated far beyond just friends. We discussed some serious topics, flirted actively, wrote that we loved each other, called each other every day, and corresponded.
We “officially” started dating only a few months later, when I came to see him for a week. We were walking with friends then, and someone said to me: “What is your boyfriend doing there?” I jokingly asked Alexey why the guys say that he is my boyfriend. He replied: “Isn’t that so?” I said no, and then he asked me to become his girlfriend.
During the day we mostly communicate via messages or voicemails, since we are both busy at work. Or we call each other for a short time – just to chat because we miss you, or to complain about something. In the evenings we call each other and watch something, play something or just chat. He also wakes me up every morning with a call because he gets up earlier.
We visit each other about once every one or two months. I work remotely, so I come more often.
“Every time you rejoice at our meetings, like a child”
The main advantage of such a relationship is that you learn to communicate with words through your mouth. From a distance, a person’s emotions and mood are not always clear (and I am very empathetic, so this is important for me). “Did that offend you? Why?”, “I hate it when you say that because…”, “How can I support you now?” and so on.
Every time you rejoice at the meetings, like a child. Partings are very sad, but they also have a special romance: watching him run after the train that takes you away. Or stand on the platform and look at him through the glass, trying to capture the image… I’m terribly sentimental in this regard.
Another advantage for me personally is the opportunity to take a screenshot of especially pleasant words that a person says. I don’t have a very good memory, and I also tend from time to time to get caught up in the theme “they don’t like me and they communicate just out of politeness.” At such moments, I can just look through screenshots or correspondence and calm down.
Well, the incomparable vibe of traveling is going to another city to visit a loved one. Know that they are waiting for you there. Every time a small, incredibly pleasant adventure. Or, conversely, discover your city from a new side when a young man arrives.
I’m not a particularly tactile person, but even so, from time to time I feel a burning desire to hug, kiss, or just touch. It’s probably even more psychological than physical: at such moments it’s infuriating that there is no possibility.
Jealousy happens, of course. My previous long-distance relationship ended with me being cheated on, so sometimes I might go overboard with paranoia. But Alexey treats this with understanding. We learn to build trust, on both sides. As for him, if there was jealousy, it was very rare.
“If your communication is suddenly interrupted, this can lead to terrible anxiety.”
Sometimes it’s difficult to find a balance between your partner and the rest of your life. On the one hand, I want to be together after work, discuss something, call on a webcam. On the other hand, go somewhere with friends, be alone, read a book or listen to music. When you are in the same apartment or even in the same city, you can just sit next to each other and do your own thing. This won’t work in a long distance relationship.
If your communication is suddenly interrupted, this can lead to terrible anxiety. There was a case when I was returning home late at night, wrote to my boyfriend about it, and then my phone suddenly died (it froze and turned off). For the entire two hours that I was returning, he was worried, so when I entered the apartment, a million messages arrived from mutual friends, saying, where are you, what’s wrong with you, Alexey has lost you.
Or the opposite situation: during a quarrel, I said all sorts of things, and his Internet was suddenly turned off, so for about forty minutes I thought that he hung up, turned off the phone and generally now hates me. I even wrote to him by email and offered to talk again.
We are planning to move in together, but it is not yet clear when and how. He doesn’t have a remote job, and I love my city too much. So there are plans, but they are not very specific.
There are fears that when we move in together, the relationship will change – there are fears, and others. But we are trying to discuss and solve this. “What is important to you in everyday life? What do you hate? How do you imagine life together?
When we live with each other, I especially actively listen to myself: am I comfortable like this? Don’t you want more personal space?
He is more cautious in this regard: I like to try different things, solve problems as they arise. Alexey tries to foresee everything in advance and think about how to avoid this. Sometimes this leads to inventing problems or making things up, but they can also be resolved through discussion.
“How can you love each other if you don’t see each other every day?”
We do not encounter condemnation from loved ones, but misunderstanding is everywhere. I even hid from my family for a couple of months that I had a boyfriend from another city. I remember telling my sister about this, and she wrote: “They’ve run out of men in St. Petersburg, or what?”
His family doesn’t really understand our relationship either, but there were no judgmental comments. Just something like: “How did this happen? And what will you do now? Who will move in with whom?
Someone generally perceives “under-relationships” as something frivolous, they say, how can you love each other if you don’t see each other every day? But I learned to treat this calmly and even with irony. Like: “But I don’t have to share the blanket and treats.”
