Someone else’s soul is in the dark, but before concluding a marriage, it is better to bring a little clarity. Otherwise, you risk finding yourself next to a person whom you would not have wanted to marry if you had known him earlier. Psychologists have compiled a list of questions that will help you get to know each other and decide whether it’s worth saying the cherished “yes” in front of the altar.
Why difficult issues are important to discuss
Psychologist Emily Jamea explainsthat asking important questions in a timely manner will help avoid conflicts and misunderstandings in the future. The answers will help you understand what to expect from marriage, at least approximately. The expert even advises discussing controversial issues even before the marriage proposal, when you realize that the relationship has become serious. After getting engaged, your thoughts may be filled with excitement and preparation.
According to Professor of Sociology Terry Orbuch, most likely, you and your partner will not agree on all issues. But that’s okay – the answers are needed to understand not only how similar you are, but also how you will deal with differences of opinion with each other.
If disagreeing on issues is too painful and goes against your values, know that you have the right to take a break from the relationship. According to family psychologist Hattie Lee, it is better to rethink your relationship several times than to rush, bring the matter to an end, and then find yourself in an unhappy marriage.
What questions should you ask?
Views on marriage and living together
What does marriage mean to you?
“Marriage” means completely different things to everyone. Some people think that this is a taken-for-granted step in a relationship, but for others it’s just a legal agreement or a reason to move in together. Talking about your views will help ensure that you don’t have expectations as a couple that end up not being met. By making sure that your desires coincide, you will be more confident in your family life together.
How do you imagine our marriage?
One dreams that married partners will be together 24/7, go on weekly dates and travel regularly. And in the other’s mind, the ring on the finger changes little, and personal space remains the same as before. It’s better to discuss in advance what married life looks like in your fantasies, so that no one’s rose-colored glasses are broken immediately after the wedding.
How important is religion to you?
If you and your partner have different faiths (or one of you is an atheist), it is important to discuss which religion each of you will adhere to. What religious holidays will you celebrate together? What traditions or activities will become part of the overall lifestyle? And if you have children, how will you resolve the issue of faith? All this is extremely important to discuss, because for some people faith is one of the uncompromising values. If partners have very different views, many conflicts can arise.
How often will we see your family when we get married?
Most likely, you already know your future relatives. Before marriage, it is better to discuss how often you will see them, how actively they will participate in your life and in raising children, if they appear. Will you go on vacation together? And if a conflict breaks out with your partner’s parent, what will he do? On what holidays will you go to see your family and how will you divide visits for different sides of the family? It’s better to make a plan and discuss opinions in advance so as not to quarrel with your partner right in the process of preparing Olivier with his mother.
Where will we live?
If you and your future spouse do not live together yet, it would be good to discuss whether you are going to move in together and if so, where? Terry Orbuch also advises asking if the partner would be willing to move if offered a better job elsewhere? Will you agree to move if your partner wants it?
What is fundamentally important to you?
Discuss the values and views that are fundamentally important to you and on which you cannot compromise. For example, views on roles in marriage. If your boyfriend would like his wife to be a housewife, and you have dreamed of building a career all your life, the marriage is unlikely to be happy for both of you. Knowledge about inviolable principles will help you and your partner imagine what kind of future awaits you and understand how satisfied you are with it.
Children
Do you want kids?
Although your answers and priorities may change over the years, it is still important to discuss parenthood before getting married. According to Emily Jamea, if one person says, “I 100 percent want kids,” and the other says, “I 100 percent don’t,” marriage is likely to be a futile step forward.
In addition to the desire itself, it is important to discuss the details. How many children do you want? And when do you want it – immediately after marriage or ten years later? If you have not yet decided whether you want a child, it is better to be honest about it too. It is important that both weigh the pros and cons.
What happens if one of us is infertile?
According to Clinical psychologist Mary Manley, in addition to the desire to have children, it is important to discuss the difficulties that may arise. What will you do if fertility problems arise? How do you feel about IVF, surrogacy or adoption? Answering these questions ahead of time will ensure that you solve problems as a team.
How will we share parental responsibilities?
Will one of the partners go on maternity leave in the first years of the child? Will you rotate responsibilities or will everyone have a strictly assigned role? How much time will each parent spend with the baby? Of course, over time, your views on parenting may change. But if both do not want to go on maternity leave, it is worth thinking about how you will cope with children and whether you are comfortable with compromises.
How will we raise children?
Next step: discuss parenting. If you have children, how would you like to raise them? Do you have “gender” expectations? What values do you want to instill? What would you like to take as an example from your childhood, and what element of upbringing would you definitely not want to repeat? This way, you and your partner will get to know each other’s deeper ideas about parenting.
Finance
What is the state of your finances now?
Money issues can be awkward, but it’s important to discuss them before marriage so that any discrepancies that come to light don’t become a source of arguments. Ask if your partner has any savings or debts. According to divorce lawyer Frederick Hertz, it is also important to find out how your partner feels about financial independence and whether he will invest if you have difficulties.
Will we have a common or separate budget?
This question is also necessary so that no one is faced with unjustified expectations after the wedding. If the account is a joint one, discuss how exactly you will spend the money. For example, how much should you save each month? How often do you spend money on vacations and travel? What exactly will part of the finances be spent on regularly? If the budget is separate, decide who will pay for what. Which expenses are shared and which are separate? Will you pay the rent equally or will the partner who earns more take on this responsibility?
What is the maximum amount you are willing to spend on a car, sofa, shoes?
Make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to financial spending. If one person is willing to spend a lot of money on sneakers, but the other thinks it’s a waste of money, this can become a cause for conflict.
Romance and sex
How will we resolve conflicts?
Is one of you so stubborn that you can’t compromise? Or is he so afraid of disagreement that he will never admit what upsets him? These behaviors can become problematic in relationships, so it’s best to discuss in advance how you will resolve conflicts constructively.
How will we pay attention to romantic relationships?
Gradually, romance may fade away in a marriage – and this is normal. However, sometimes this becomes the reason for dissatisfaction in the relationship. Psychologist Mary Manley suggests discussing your personal needs for romance before marriage. For example, for one it is important to go on dates regularly in order to maintain the spark and not drown in everyday life. Another finds romance in spending an evening at home together, cuddling. Honest answers will help once you get past the honeymoon phase.
What do you mean by cheating?
If you and your partner haven’t discussed this yet, it’s time to ask yourself about commitment. Often people mean by cheating, sex with another person. How do you and your partner feel about kissing? What about flirting or flirtatious correspondence? Can you watch pornography? Discuss any points that upset you to avoid misunderstandings in the future.
How can I help you when you’re upset?
It is important to learn to help each other when one of you gets into trouble. Some people need to be held and listened to. For others, space and time alone. Therefore, it is better to discuss in advance how each of you wants to receive your partner’s support.
How important is sex to you?
Over time, there may be less sex in a relationship. It’s okay if none of the partners suffers. But if even one begins to feel unloved and unwanted, problems may arise. Therefore, it is important to discuss in advance how often and how you want to have sex. And what will you do if problems suddenly arise? How will you discuss them? Are you ready to contact a specialist? Would you like to consider other relationship formats?
How to discuss all these issues with your partner?
Of course, you don’t want your partner to feel like he’s being interrogated by a police officer. Terry Orbuch advises ask questions in those natural moments when you are alone. For example, watch a movie or sitcom episode in which a couple is fighting about parenthood. You can use this as a starting point to discuss how you would like to raise your children.
Some questions may not have the right moment at all, so the conversation can be awkward. Remember that honest and open conversations are important for intimacy and your future. And it’s better to find out now that your partner sees life together differently than after several years of an unhappy marriage.