Where does hatred towards your partner’s ex come from and what to do about it

Let’s be honest. We often cannot stand our partner’s ex-lovers, even if we have never met them in person. Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends can be the sweetest and kindest people in the world – it doesn’t matter. We don’t like them for no reason, and not because facts or intuition tell us that we can expect a dirty trick from them. And although we take this hatred for granted, it turns out there are reasons for it.

Why do we hate our ex-partners?

When you have no obvious reason to hate your partner’s ex, but you do it anyway, this can happen for three main reasons.

Diffidence

If you lack confidence, it can feel like all your exes are perfect. Kind, smart, attractive, in a word – ideal. Therefore, you not only begin to constantly compare yourself to them, but also consider them a threat to your relationship and wonder why your partner chose you and whether he loves you at all.

Rivalry

Trying to demonstrate your superiority over your “ideal” ex, you may do something that is unusual for you. And as a result, you hate them even more, because it is because of them that you have the need to constantly prove your cool. Essentially, a “third wheel” appears in a relationship, which you just can’t get out of your head.

Jealousy

If you do not perceive your current relationship as reliable and safe, then you begin to be jealous of your partner, stop trusting him and transfer your feelings to his exes. Instead of looking at the situation impartially, analyzing what exactly triggers jealousy, and talking with your partner, you blame other people for all the problems. And that’s why you hate them even more.

How to deal with hatred

One of the main responsibilities in a relationship is to build a kind of “bridge” between your ex and your current partner. To do this, it is important to talk as honestly and openly as possible about past relationships. The less we know about a person, the more we invent and intensify, drawing his image in our imagination. And the version that we come up with ourselves or that our partner comes up with for us may well deserve hatred.

To understand your thoughts and emotions and understand how valid your ideas about your ex-partner are, ask yourself a few questions:

• What exactly makes you worry?
• Are your experiences rational?
• What is the root of the problem?
• How much does the image of your ex correspond to reality and are you not distorting it for the worse?

Talk to your loved one about your emotions and what causes them. If he himself is adding fuel to the fire by constantly comparing you to your exes or bringing up past relationships, set boundaries. Based, for example, on the following statements:

• “I don’t want you to compare me to your ex-girlfriend.”
• “I feel uncomfortable when you share memories of past relationships.”
• “I’d rather not go where your ex-boyfriend is.”

If the problem is your lack of self-confidence or feelings of competition, remember that criticizing the other person and trying to “increase yourself” at their expense is an unhealthy defensive reaction. It is better to focus on your inner world, deal with your own self-esteem and self-esteem. You can even consult a psychologist to find balance and feel safe in your relationship.

Hating your partner’s ex for no reason is counterproductive and harmful. And not only for your relationships, but also for your mental health. You cannot judge strangers solely because of their “ex” status or your partner’s unflattering words about them. Hate never leads to anything good, especially if it is based on self-doubt, competition or jealousy. And this destructive feeling is definitely not worth wasting your energy on.