Emotions, not logic, help us choose a partner for sex and life. A person, no matter how he explains his preferences, still acts on the principle of “like it or not.”
Physiologist Vyacheslav Dubynin told in an interview with Yulia Menshova, how the brain makes choices, what role ancient genetic programs play in our decisions and how much influence society has on the behavior of each of us. The life hacker made a summary of the conversation.
How we choose partners
A person cannot procreate alone, so he needs a partner. It is important to choose the right person for this role. Evolution has shown that there is no need to look for something too similar – most likely, it is a relative, and there will be no healthy offspring with it. But someone who is too different will not be suitable either. It’s probably an enemy, so it’s best to stay away from it.
Nature and human society have created three main criteria for choosing a partner.
Similar immune system
Each of us has our own personal mark – a unique molecular passport. It is created by MHC molecules – in Russian this abbreviation stands for “major histocompatibility complex.” These are proteins that are found in every cell of our body. The effectiveness of the immune system depends on them – the ability to distinguish harmless microorganisms from harmful strangers.
In addition, this protein mark, no worse than fingerprints, will help distinguish each of us from all other inhabitants of the earth. We smell like our MHC proteins.
We unconsciously pick up the scent of every person we interact with. Our brain immediately conducts a molecular analysis, and turns its results into emotions. The immune system sends a signal of acceptance or alarm: this person looks like me, everything is fine. And that one over there is completely different, he has foreign proteins, be careful – he won’t produce healthy offspring either.
And we feel: we like this one, but that one doesn’t attract us at all. It is these sensations that become the basis for choosing a partner.
We don’t even notice that we react to the smell. But in the brain, centers associated with libido and centers associated with positive emotions are turned on.
Vyacheslav Dubynin
The female brain reacts more strongly to similarity and dissimilarity. Apparently, because the woman is primarily responsible for the child, she bears and raises him. Therefore, evolution gave her the right to choose.
The general impression is that it is created by all our senses.
Even animals react not only to smells, we even more so. What matters is the voice, the visual impression, and the emotions that the behavior of a possible partner evokes. Therefore, males often organize competitions and entire performances to please the females. This happens in animals, and in the course of evolution, people also have not forgotten this experience.
According to similar values and social roles
The principle works here: someone who is too different can be an enemy, and you won’t be able to raise offspring with him. Therefore, markers set by society are included. Everything that speaks about the similarity of the partner works: close traditions, the same upbringing, the same level of education.
The brain concludes: if these criteria are similar, it means that we imagine caring for the offspring in the same way. And our union has prospects.
We feel alive when all levels of the body, psyche, and organism work simultaneously – from physical proximity to similar principles, thinking algorithms and values.
Vyacheslav Dubynin
Why do you want to be faithful to your partner?
We are pushed towards monogamous relationships by laws that have developed over tens of thousands of years of evolution.
Reproduction, if you really look at it, is not really about sex or pleasure. And about the fact that a baby is born and that our genes jump to the next generation.
Vyacheslav Dubynin
For the race to continue, it is not enough just to give birth to a child. He needs to be fed, taken out and raised. It is difficult for warm-blooded animals to do this alone – the baby is born helpless and takes a long time to grow up. Therefore, in the course of evolution, those species survived and continued to develop where both parents cared for their offspring and helped each other. This means they continued to live together and remained faithful to each other.
How this rule works can be seen in birds. It happens that a couple of dozen chicks appear in one nest, and one mother will never cope with feeding everyone: she will not have enough time or energy. Therefore, a father is necessary for survival – two birds will bring more food. Well, to stay together, you need to be monogamous.
The situation is similar with penguins. While one of the parents is looking for food, the other stays with the chick, hugs it close to itself and does not allow it to freeze in extreme cold. If the couple separated after the birth of the cubs, the offspring would die. This means that it is important for penguins to remain faithful.
Monogamy is primarily about the reliable raising of offspring. And our brain is designed in such a way that it pays us fairly for monogamous relationships – with positive emotions.
Vyacheslav Dubynin
Why then do people cheat on each other?
Our brain remembers different behavioral programs. Among them there are also polygamous attitudes – they are more ancient than monogamy formed by evolution. In our brain, these opposing programs compete with each other.
Certain genes and receptors are responsible for each program. It would seem that you can conduct an analysis and find out what percentage of fidelity genes is in your partner’s blood and how much you can rely on him. But no analysis will give an accurate picture of how the partner will behave. After all, the opposite genes have not gone away and can also be activated.
Even monogamous birds have infidelity. It turns out that if you take blood tests from chicks, the results will show: 20–30% of the cubs have a different biological father.
Society also plays its role. Now he is actively pushing us towards polygamy. In a big city, a mother can raise a child alone, without any help. The more comfortable life is, the less there is a need for a second partner to always be nearby. Therefore, new polygamous attitudes appear, which often take precedence over monogamous ones.
But these newest installations are very superficial. If the quality of life suddenly deteriorates, monogamous programs will immediately begin to dominate again.
We are very plastic, this is the strength of our species. But the basic settings do not disappear anywhere. And monogamy is one of them.
Vyacheslav Dubynin
Is it possible to strengthen attachment to a partner?
We have long moved away from animal models, so not only sex is important to us. We talk with our loved one, make plans, remember the events we experienced together.
Sex is only one component of communication between two loving people. Sex is just pretty boring.
Vyacheslav Dubynin
Over time, affection begins to play almost the main role in a couple. It depends on mutual contacts. It is very important for us to touch each other, hug and kiss, and look into our partner’s eyes. That is, do everything to feel: we are together.
That’s why many people like dancing so much. This is a joint movement that triggers the synthesis of endorphins and brings joy, close physical contact, an exchange of views, and an attempt to learn something new together.
Even more important for a couple are common goals and a cause that unites them. “We are moving towards the goal together, we help each other,” says Vyacheslav Dubynin. “This is the basis of human affection.”
The Science of Relationships 💖