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What is patience and what’s wrong with it?
Patience is considered one of the highest virtues, as reflected in folk wisdom. God endured and commanded us; if you endure it, there’s nothing in hell; endure – fall in love; Be patient, Cossack, you will become an ataman. But is this quality really good?
The problem is that the word refers to a very wide range of concepts. Although, according to dictionaries, its direct interpretation is generally one: steadfastly endure physical and moral suffering and deprivation. And if you look at it from this side, patience no longer seems like such a virtue.
There is nothing remarkable about suffering as much as you want. Especially if you don’t have to do it.
Probably the most common word that the brain itself completes after the word “endure” is “pain.” Let’s say a person has a migraine, which causes unbearable pain. The first thing they will offer him is to take a pill to stop it. Second, go to the doctor to determine the cause of the problem and get rid of the pain. It is unlikely that anyone will consider it a heroic feat if this person ignores everything that modern medicine offers, and instead spends the whole day in a dark, soundproof room to suffer. There are no questions for those for whom nothing helps with migraines – they are not suffering because of their choice.
But in many other life situations, it is suffering that is offered to us. For example, don’t quit a job you don’t like with a toxic team or stay in a relationship that doesn’t bring you any joy.
The dangers of patience
Here are the consequences it can lead to.
Mental disorders
Sometimes they say that a terrible ending is better than endless horror. And this makes some sense. Being in a destructive situation for a long time, from which there is no way out unless some miracle happens (and it rarely happens without effort), is stressful.
There is nothing bad about stress in itself. Evolution gave us this mechanism so that in dangerous situations the body mobilizes and does everything to save itself. For example, an ancient man saw a predator, ran away from it and hid in a tree or in some kind of shelter. The stress reaction is over, everyone is safe and happy. Except for the predator, who remained hungry, but that’s not what we’re talking about now.
But imagine that there is no shelter and a person is forced to run for 10 minutes, an hour, a day, and the predator is not far behind. Sooner or later, our hero will simply fall exhausted, because the body’s resources are not limitless. It’s about the same with stress. If it is long, then violates hormonal balance leads to depression, anxiety, digestive problems and more.
In addition, patience involves the suppression of emotions, since it is customary to endure suffering steadfastly. But you cannot block any individual feelings. Usually, when we give up negative emotions, we also exclude positive ones as a bonus.
Learned helplessness
There are questions about this term. Because at first it was believed that in a situation that cannot be influenced, a person learns inactive. But in more recent studies found outwhich is rather the opposite: people are initially helpless and acquire the skills to do something in one or another difficult situation.
However, this does not change the essence: if a person tolerates something for a long time and does nothing, the chances that he will act more decisively in the future are reduced. Because he loses faith that he can change something. And this worsens the quality of his life and can sometimes be downright dangerous.
State of the victim
Personal boundaries are a flexible thing, and people around you can influence them. Even if a person is fine with this, a skilled manipulator is able to push him through. Usually, few people go to personal boundaries with a battering ram; rather, they are gradually pushed back and checked to see if the victim will tolerate it. And if she has the habit of putting up with and steadfastly enduring discomfort, the risk that they will sit on her neck and dangle her legs increases.
Misfortune
Happiness is an evaluative category. A person who endures can consider himself quite satisfied with life, especially if he has decided why he is doing this. Particularly because such behavior is considered a virtue. But often there is no way out of a state in which you need to endure, and life is too short to deceive yourself.
What to do to make patience beneficial and not harmful
We mentioned above that the word “patience” is understood very broadly. And there are situations when they call very useful things in life. True, they can be called much more precisely, so as not to be confused with patience. And there will be no suffering there.
Don’t be patient, but be able to wait
Interesting fact: in dictionaries impatience is not a completely accurate antonym for the word “patience.” It means “lack, lack of patience in waiting for something,” which puts the emphasis a little differently.
There are situations when the stressful situation is finite, but the wait is unbearable. For example, a person is waiting for exam results and cannot find a place for himself. Or he’s looking for his dream apartment, but he rents the first option he comes across because he’s nervous.
Anxiety causes discomfort and often forces a person to act rashly. And they tell him: “Be patient.” Although it would be better to learn to cope with anxiety and not act from a point of panic. Situations that involve waiting have a very tangible end. And to suffer or not to suffer here is a choice.
Do not endure, but resign yourself
There are situations that we cannot influence. But in them it is more correct to show not patience, but humility, which differ greatly in approach. The first means suffering, and the second means acceptance. If you really can’t do anything, then you need to work not with the situation, but with your discomfort in relation to it.
Do not tolerate, but insist
Patience is often described as a quality that helps people achieve their goals. For example, studying may not be as fun as going to parties. But the man stubbornly devours books even on Friday evenings. Or someone wants a promotion and repeatedly comes up with mind-blowing ideas at meetings to get noticed. They sometimes say about such people: “This is patience.” But it’s also motivation, perseverance, perseverance, willpower – take your pick. A person does not endure – he goes towards the goal.
Don’t tolerate, but sympathize
Patience is called tolerance, and it is remembered in situations when a person is caring for a sick relative or wiping away the tears of a friend in a difficult situation. And this sounds like behavior “under pressure.”
How about empathy and compassion as the right words? They are the ones who help to understand your neighbor and help someone who needs help. Such situations can be uncomfortable. But it is empathy that makes them more bearable.
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