Many have heard from friends: “My daughter and I are best friends” or “Mom is my best friend, we tell each other everything.” Such relationships may seem like the ultimate dream, but in reality, friendship with a mother can be destructive to a child’s psyche and oppressive in adulthood. Psychologist Larisa Tarantsova explains why it is important to maintain relationships within the mother-daughter vertical and to look for friends outside the family.
How is friendship with your mother different from a trusting relationship?
First you need to understand what friendship is. Friendship implies trust, support, approval and unconditional acceptance. To be friends is to be ready at any moment to sacrifice your interests and plans, put aside your own affairs and come to the aid of another person. True friends know how to listen and hear each other, and will never turn away, even if a friend makes a mistake. Everyone can express to another everything that they think or feel, without controlling their emotions and manifestations.
Friendship is a relationship of equals. There is no hierarchy in it. Everyone can ask for help, be willing to listen to criticism, or make a joke. And he expects the same in return.
The relationship between parents and children can be similar to friendship. Attachment between mother and daughter is also based on support, trust, approval and acceptance. However, this is not an equal relationship of bosom friends.
Family relationships are relationships between different generations. They imply certain boundaries and rules. The task of parents is to raise, teach children, take care of their health and development. The task of children is to grow and explore the world, gradually separating from their parents and learning to live independently.
Normally, a child can rely on his parents in any situation and openly express his emotions, thoughts and feelings. He is confident that his parents will always be there, understand and support him. At the same time, he recognizes their authority and obeys the rules established by his parents. The parent is always the main one in these relationships. He is responsible for the well-being of the child. Cannot seriously compete or quarrel with him, as with a friend. Full friendship doesn’t work here. And the desire to build it provokes distorted relationships between parents and children.
Why parents can’t be friends with their children
Reason 1. Violation of hierarchy
One of the most important elements of the family system is hierarchy. Parents are always higher than children. They set the rules, make important decisions and gradually expand the child’s sphere of responsibility. The feeling of being guarded by a “strong” adult gives the child a sense of security and the opportunity to develop.
When mom becomes a friend, the hierarchy is broken. And it is necessary for the healthy and full development of the child. In order for the upbringing process not to be distorted, it is necessary that the daughter sees in the face of her mother an authority, and not a friend. If this is not the case, then the daughter is unlikely to listen to her advice and follow family rules.
Reason 2. The emergence of rivalry
Sometimes girlfriend mothers do not want to lag behind their daughters and try to look younger than their age. They dress fashionably, use youth slang, and hang out with their daughter’s friends. As a result, competition arises between mother and daughter, as between people of equal status.
While this is quite normal for friends, such relationships are inappropriate in a family. Daughters may be embarrassed by their “youthful” mother-friends and may not see them as an adult to whom they can come for advice.
Reason 3. Lack of maternal care
Normally, the mother’s function is to educate and care. Parents give energy to their children, not the other way around. If a mother introduces her daughter to adult issues, discusses her personal life, asks for advice, then they suddenly find themselves on equal terms. Moreover, it is not the mother who sinks to the level of the child, but the daughter who is forced to become an adult. She does not receive care and guardianship from her mother, but is forced to support her herself.
Such relationships contribute to the artificial growth of the child and have nothing to do with care and trust.
Reason 4. Lack of mutual understanding due to age difference
Mother and daughter will always think differently due to the fact that mom has more life experience. Therefore, the mother is unlikely to find in her relationship with her daughter the mutual understanding that is necessary in true friendship. This means that he will not receive the satisfaction he expects from his “friendly relationship” with his daughter.
Reason 5. Obsessive control
It happens that a mother strives to be a close friend of her daughter, unconsciously wanting to control her life. For example, he offers to “keep secret” about the guys in order to be aware of all the details of his daughter’s personal life.
This friendship is illusory. A mother’s desire to interfere in her personal life can manifest itself in violation of personal boundaries and an intrusive offer of help in any situation. In turn, the daughter is deprived of the opportunity to make decisions and take responsibility for life into her own hands.
Irina Saldina / Burning hut
What kind of relationship is best to build with children?
The healthy psychological development of the child, and in the future, the formation of a holistic personality, will depend on which method of relationships in the family is chosen as the basis.
The main way to build a harmonious relationship with children is to maintain a golden mean. When choosing a friendly way of communication, try to maintain the authority of your parents, establish family norms and rules in a timely manner, which must be unconditionally followed by all family members. Respect the child’s personality, his needs, interests and desires, ensure his safety and protection.
Communicate kindly with him so that he feels your love and trust.
He must be sure that he can always rely on you. Trust also involves respecting the child’s privacy and keeping secrets shared with you.
These relationships are similar to friendships. But it is important to remember that parents play the main role in the family. When creating a trusting and warm atmosphere, it is important not to flirt with “friendship” and not cross the line when the parent’s authority disappears.
Ideally, parents need, on the one hand, to create a safe and friendly environment in the family, and on the other, to build a hierarchical relationship with the child. Then the child will easily learn to build relationships with other people, and the separation process will be painless for both parties. Parents will be comfortable accepting the needs of their adult children on the ward and will be able to shift attention to their personal lives.
What should I do if my relationship with my mother is too close?
Relationships between grown children and parents should be built from the perspective of the adults that they are. The adult-child relationship no longer works. This is a relationship between two adults on equal terms, in which it is important to respect the personal boundaries of both parents and children.
It happens that an adult daughter living separately from her parents calls her mother every day, tells how her day went, asks for advice on every matter, discusses relationships with a young man, even intimate ones. In such relationships, the mother is perceived as a friend, and this indicates that the separation between the child and the parent has not passed. The daughter did not become a psychologically mature person and an independent person.
In such a situation, it makes sense to think and ask yourself a few questions.
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What is the benefit to me of not being responsible for my life?
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What is the benefit of remaining in the position of a little girl?
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What is the benefit of depending on your mother’s moods?
A sincere answer to these questions will help you understand how to proceed.
What should I do if my mother is too involved in my life?
It happens that a mother cannot let her grown daughter live an independent life. She unconsciously considers her a little girl who does not understand anything in life. Or she is frightened by the feeling of loneliness and uselessness, and therefore she tries to keep abreast of all the events in her daughter’s life and devotes her daughter to her affairs and problems.
If a mother and an adult daughter have chosen such a close symbiotic relationship for themselves and this suits them completely, then there is no problem here.
If you are an adult daughter who is burdened by an extremely friendly relationship with her mother, try to talk openly with her. Tell your mom about your love for her, respect for her life experience, thank her for taking care of you throughout your life. And gently but convincingly convey that it is important for you to be independent, to be able to make decisions and take responsibility for them. Ask your mother to accept your mistakes, your own experience and respect it.
Of course, no one guarantees that after the first heart-to-heart conversation, your relationship will become ideal. Creating a healthy relationship can take effort and patience. You need to gradually reduce the degree of your fusion with your mother.
Set your own boundaries. You don’t need your parents to know everything about you. You may have areas of your life that have nothing to do with your parents. This could be intimate life, relationships with a partner, plans for the future, raising children. Don’t give your mom any reason to start giving you advice. Take responsibility for your life and actions, demonstrate your independence to your parents more often. When they understand that you can handle it, they will stop imposing their help.
Remember your parents’ personal boundaries. They also have the right to their privacy and secrets. After all, they are not only your parents, but also people with their own interests and difficulties. Respect this, and you will be able to build a constructive and harmonious relationship with your parents.
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