Imagine your relationship is a home. It cannot be built without a few key elements that are needed not only to make you feel comfortable, but also to survive any storm. It’s logical to start building with a strong foundation, which you build brick by brick together with your partner thanks to shared experience and emotional connection. And then your “house” will need walls and windows.
What are “windows” and “walls” in relationships?
The concept of “windows” and “walls” was proposed in her book “Not “just friends”” psychologist Shirley Glass. She used this metaphor to describe the way two emotionally involved people in a relationship can maintain intimacy.
If a relationship is a house, then partners are two adjacent rooms separated by a floor-to-ceiling “window.” It symbolizes open communication in a couple and creates a condition of complete transparency where everyone feels seen and heard. And “walls” are a buffer that separates and protects relationships from the outside world.
Why is it important to create “windows” and “walls”
“Windows” make it possible for two people to stay on the same page, understand each other’s inner worlds, and clarify expectations, feelings and desires. Open communication allows you to immediately identify even the smallest problems and solve them before they turn into a huge snowball that risks demolishing the “house.”
In order for everyone to feel comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings through a “window,” “walls” are needed. They create a secluded and confidential atmosphere. Without them, relationships lose protection. Imagine that your partner ignores your feelings and constantly invites other people to visit you without warning. Such indifference breaks down “walls” and threatens the sanctity of the romantic union.
And vice versa, when there is a kind of protective dome around the relationship and both partners support it, a feeling of emotional security arises. Thanks to it, the internal “walls” disappear and it becomes possible to build that same “window” in their place.
As our sense of emotional security in a relationship strengthens, we become much more comfortable talking about our inner world and discussing problems. When we feel secure, we can listen, empathize, be creative in problem solving, and open up on a deeper level. All this strengthens the foundation of the relationship.
However, this does not mean that the “walls” between relationships and the outside world should be impenetrable. They should also have “windows”. Just like in a real house, the air becomes stale if the room is not ventilated for a long time. “Air” in a relationship is friends, hobbies, work. The main thing is that the connection with the external environment does not outweigh or harm the connection with the partner. After all, we always close the windows when it rains or snows outside.
If you allow the “walls” around the relationship to collapse and turn into “windows,” the “window” between partners, on the contrary, will turn into a “wall.” For example, you work all day and don’t spend any time on your relationships or sharing details of your personal life with friends, family members or colleagues. In this way, you open a “window” to the outside world and close it to a partner who no longer connects with you. Over time, this situation can open the door to infidelity.
How to maintain a “window” between partners
To do this, you need to return to the basics of relationships, which include meeting the basic needs of your partner. These include the desire to feel loved, valued, heard, accepted and supported.
You can achieve all this every day without much effort. For example, give your partner your undivided attention during a conversation and not glance at your phone. Ask questions so that he understands that he is being listened to carefully. Respect and take into account his opinion so that he feels valued. Take his side in conversations with third parties so that he feels supported.
Such small steps help ensure that the “window” between partners does not turn into a “wall.” Remember, one person’s openness encourages another to do the same. If you want your partner to freely share his inner world with you, be prepared to share yours.
How to Maintain “Walls” Around Relationships
Having strong “walls” does not mean that partners cannot live an eventful life outside of the relationship. The point is to maintain balance without compromising the union.
Each couple sets its own ratio of time spent together and apart. The main thing is to come to a common opinion about the degree of connection and freedom acceptable in a relationship. It is better to directly ask your partner whether he is receiving enough of your time and energy. Someone maintains a sense of closeness even when the partner pays a lot of attention to friends, work or hobbies. Some people, on the contrary, are bothered by too much time spent apart.
There are no universal rules. You and your partner need to come up with your own together. For example, you might decide that Friday is the day you go on a date. Then no one will plan anything for Friday and thus maintain a “wall” between the relationship and the external environment. And if something important does appear, you can always consult with your partner in advance.
Of course, life will make its own adjustments: perhaps some rules will not always be followed or you will abandon them altogether over time. However, a certain system will help to divide the responsibility for maintaining the “walls” equally, rather than placing it on the shoulders of one person.
The balance between “windows” and “walls” in a relationship depends on which needs are met in the “home” and which ones are met outside of it. If we find what we need outside of the relationship, we become too independent and move away from our partner. Satisfying needs exclusively within a relationship, on the contrary, leads to codependency.
The best option is to keep the inner “window” open and not make the outer “walls” completely impenetrable. In this way, you will maintain intimacy without being overly dependent on each other and will come to the so-called interdependence, which allows us to express love without sacrificing ourselves, and to receive love without taking it as proof of our own worth.
Good to know 🥰💖😊