How to take responsibility for your life

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Most likely, you have heard this recommendation more than once: “Just stop whining and take life into your own hands!” Everything will change dramatically right away, you’ll see! Problems will be solved and happiness will come.”

But almost no one says how exactly to do this and what is meant by this. So the advice turns out to be useless, like recommendations in the spirit of “just ignore it” or “just eat right and exercise.”

Let’s figure out what it means to “take responsibility”, why it is sometimes very difficult and how to finally do it.

Why take responsibility

It helps you become more confident

A person responsible for his life understands what really depends on him and what does not, realizes the limits of his capabilities and becomes a little stronger and freer.

It helps you set goals and achieve them

When you realize that you are far from helpless and can influence a lot, you gain motivation and courage to move forward and change something.

A person who does not take responsibility scolds neighbors, public utilities, officials, the city or country in which he lives, year after year, and believes that nothing depends on him.

Many paths open before a person who has taken responsibility. First, move. Secondly, try to change the situation to the best of your ability, at least a little: organize a cleanup day to make things cleaner around you, go to court and get your rights respected, create a petition and fight for legislative reform. Thirdly, he can honestly admit to himself that he is not ready for active action and change – and consciously leave everything as it is, but without complaints.

It helps cope with uncertainty

It is actually very difficult for a person who goes with the flow and lives with the confidence that he does not decide anything. After all, then it turns out that life is absolutely unpredictable and can play with you as it pleases, but you are not able to do anything about it.

When someone takes responsibility, there is a little more certainty. Some unpleasant situations can be prevented, and in others you can act more confidently and deal with them faster.

Let’s say a person understands that the economic situation is worsening and he may lose his job. Those who do not take responsibility will live in fear, complain, worry that they will be left without money, and wait in horror to see how it all ends. After all, it doesn’t influence anything, it’s all about the crisis, politics and the boss.

The one who is responsible can start looking for a job, learn something new to increase his value, or get a part-time job, save some money, and at least find out how, if something happens, get on the labor exchange and receive unemployment benefits.

This helps create more harmonious relationships

A person who takes responsibility can choose his environment, build personal boundaries, talk about what he doesn’t like, direct relationships in the right direction or end them if they do not bring joy.

Anyone who does not accept responsibility believes that everything is as it is, nothing can be done and he simply attracts the wrong people.

Why is taking responsibility so difficult?

We confuse responsibility and control

There is an opinion that these are the same thing, and being responsible means being in control of everything and everyone in your life. This, of course, is impossible. We have nothing to do with the weather, oil prices, or the neighbor’s dog that barks at night and prevents us from sleeping. As a result, the idea of ​​responsibility seems absurd and utopian – and the person refuses it.

We confuse responsibility and guilt

It seems like “taking responsibility” means admitting that you yourself are to blame for all your failures. But no one wants to feel guilty, it’s unpleasant. Therefore, a person goes on the defensive and takes the following position: “I’m not to blame for anything, it’s all of them – bad heredity, stupid ecology, huge traffic jams, corrupt officials, mercantile women and even terrible roads.” And, of course, he doesn’t try to change anything.

We suffer from learned helplessness

Scientist Martin Seligman back in the 1970s wrote about this condition. Because of him, it seems to us that we are powerless to change anything in our lives, because we have no influence on anything.

It is not known exactly where this condition comes from. There are two opinions: this is an innate quality or, on the contrary, acquired due to a not very correct upbringing or a series of failures.

For example, during experiments people were forced to listen to unpleasant sounds and could not avoid it. As a result, they lost motivation and no longer tried to escape from uncomfortable conditions.

What does it mean to take responsibility?

This certainly does not mean that you need to declare yourself omnipotent and try to control everything and everyone. Or, conversely, sprinkle ashes on your head and consider that you are to blame for every trouble that happened to you.

Being responsible means understanding what you can and cannot do, recognizing and accepting the consequences of your actions or inactions, and taking a proactive approach when possible.

In his bestselling book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey expressed this idea through the theory of two circles: influence and concern.

The circle of influence is the people and events that a person can influence. The circle of care is everything that affects a person. To live better and more joyfully, you need to try to expand the first and reduce the second.

For example, a person is looking for a job, sends out a resume, but no one answers him. It turns out that his circle of influence is small: all he can do is look through vacancies and leave responses. On the contrary, the circle of concern is large: it is completely at the mercy of fate and HR specialists.

If this person wants to take responsibility and expand his circle of influence, he can, for example, not post a resume on a job site, but send it to the company’s corporate email. He can call the HR department and find out if his letter was reviewed. He can turn to a career consultant who will correct his resume and tell him in which direction to move.

How to take responsibility

Try to drop the accusations

Recognize that blaming yourself or others is not constructive. This position allows you to be inactive and saves you from disappointment, because if you don’t try to change anything, you won’t fail and you won’t be hurt by it. But at the same time, it closes the path to development, good work, interesting projects and acquaintances, and unexpected turns.

Yes, those around you really are to blame for something. The parents did not give a good start and formed complexes in the child. Workers are patching the asphalt and that’s why there are terrible traffic jams on the way to the office in the morning. The boss evaluates your merits biasedly and promotes his friend, not you, up the career ladder.

But if you focus on what others are doing, rather than what you can do, you are stuck in place and unable to change your life for the better.

Define your circle of influence

Just be honest with yourself, don’t underestimate or exaggerate your capabilities. Write down everything that you can really influence in each specific situation, and what you can’t influence at all.

We can’t cancel the rain, but we can buy a cool raincoat and rubber boots that will make it more comfortable to leave the house. Or find a remote job to stay warm and comfortable in bad weather.

We cannot change the behavior of the person who offends us, but we can distance ourselves from him.

Set yourself a goal

In the example about work and sending out a resume, the goal could be, say, contacting an HR consultant, searching for direct company contacts, or making a phone call.

In a situation where you don’t like where you live, the goal may be to move to another area, city or even country. Or, conversely, an attempt to find interesting establishments, events and locations around you that will reconcile you with your place of residence and help you feel better. Yes, the traffic jams are terrible and the view from the window is not very good, but what magical croissants are baked in the coffee shop around the corner and what a picturesque park is just two bus stops from home.

Take action

As soon as you achieve even a small goal, you will become more confident, have a better understanding of what you are capable of, which means you will be able to overcome the feeling of helplessness and make your life more comfortable and richer.