How to help your teenager become more confident

Why teenagers suffer from self-doubt

Teenage years begins at approximately 10–12 years of age and continues until adulthood.

At this time, significant changes occur in the lives of young people: the body and thinking change, responsibility, independence and stress levels increase. But although teenagers already resemble adults in many ways, their brains are not yet fully developed.

In the book “The Biology of Good and Evil: How Science Explains Our Actions,” neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky says that adolescents have a fully developed limbic system, which is responsible for emotions. But the frontal cortex – a structure capable of curbing the intensity of passions with the help of rational judgments – is still just around the corner.

Because of these features, teenagers experience everything much more acutely than children and adults. They are more susceptible to the expression of emotions on their faces, it is more difficult for them to cope with their feelings and find a reasonable explanation for their actions.

Moreover, during this period all unresolved psychological problems of past years may appear.

Ksenia Nesyutina

Adolescence is the final assembly of the personality, during which all unlived psychological crises and traumas can be activated. For example, at 12–13 years old, a child can become disobedient and stubborn, like a three-year-old, throw tantrums over nonsense, and show aggression.

Even confident children are at risk of turning into anxious teenagers. And if the parents have not taken care of the child’s self-esteem, the hormonal storms of adolescence can completely unsettle him.

Why is it important to help teenagers develop self-confidence?

Failures like unrequited love or failure at a competition can take a toll on your confidence and undermine your self-esteem. And also – make you look pessimistically at yourself, your own capabilities and the world around you.

At the same time, the development of confidence, on the contrary, will help get through a difficult period with minimal losses.

Here’s what a confident teenager can do:

• Take a bold action to achieve your goals. For example, going to an audition or taking the first steps in a relationship.
• Make important decisions based on your experience and desires, and not on the opinions of others.
• Build healthy friendships and romantic relationships without suffering from loneliness.
• Saying no despite peer pressure. For example, refuse to take illegal substances or participate in a risky undertaking.
• Do not become a victim of bullying, maintain self-respect, even if you find yourself in a society of unfriendly peers.
• Deal well with stress.

How to help your teenager develop self-confidence

There are several ways – they all require sensitivity and consistency from parents.

Stop judging and show interest.

If parents are interested in their child, they try to understand what he is like, what he feels, what he loves, what he has an inclination towards. In this case, the teenager will not be told that his hobby is meaningless and “he would be better off doing something else,” and they will not speak in a contemptuous manner about his style of clothing or the music he likes.

If parents are used to evaluating a child, they do not notice what he really is like and are not interested in him. In the head of an adult there is already a ready-made image of what children should be like, and any discrepancies with it are punished by criticism.

The child constantly hears: “You’re not like that, you can’t do it, you’re not doing it right.” It is clear that a real person does not resemble the image in the head of his mother or father, and such comparisons greatly undermine self-esteem, making it difficult to know oneself.

Ksenia Nesyutina

People with fragile self-esteem are highly dependent on the opinions of others. They feel like others are constantly evaluating them. They themselves do not know how to be sincerely interested in people, but only give them points, as they have become accustomed to since childhood.

To protect your teenager from such a life, do not try to fit him into the image built in your head. Give up thinking about what he should be and try to see who he really is.

Learn how to deal with success and failure correctly

Teenagers draw many of their beliefs about themselves from their family. Therefore, it is very important to respond correctly to children’s behavior, especially in moments when they are not doing well.

To help your teenager form the right attitude towards what is happening and cope with failures more easily, do the following:

1. Give up criticism. Stop blaming and scolding for failures and failures. This will not add confidence or increase motivation.
2. Make it clear that mistakes are not fatal.. Tell them that failure and failure are a normal part of life. You just need to understand what went wrong and take this experience into account next time.
3. Reward effort as much as winning. Explain that there are many factors and circumstances beyond a person’s control, and it is impossible to take them all into account. Therefore, there will always be defeats; you won’t be able to completely protect yourself from them, and that’s normal.
4. Learn to treat yourself with love and compassion. Explain that regardless of the circumstances, it is important to avoid harsh criticism and insults directed at you. If your teen is beating himself up for failing, ask him to imagine what he would say to his best friend in the same situation. Would he call him stupid and a loser?

Help develop new skills and abilities

Self-esteem is not some stable thing or unchanging rating. If a teenager knows that he is good in some area, for example, he makes funny jokes or draws well, solves problems brilliantly or runs well, this can become the basis for developing self-confidence.

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People often devalue their own skills and achievements. They recognize their abilities as useless nonsense or believe that absolutely everyone can do this. If you notice that a teenager does something well and enjoys it, tell him about it.

Celebrate the good, even if these are some seemingly insignificant everyday things: “You seem to like singing,” “You are so happy when you come from a walk,” “What cool figures did you draw, what are they?”

Thanks to your comments, the teenager learns to understand what he likes and what he does well. Your task is to help him notice this and develop his talents.

Encourage him to try different sports clubs, engage in art, master languages, programming or something else – whatever interests him. Success in their chosen activity will help a teenager gain confidence in his abilities and form a more positive view of himself.

Another good option is helping others. Invite your teenager to take part in volunteer activities, take care of brothers and sisters, or do something useful for their parents. When a person sees that he can be useful, he begins to value himself more.

Be a good example

Despite the fact that teenagers spend a lot of time with their peers and often have celebrity idols, their parents still have a huge influence on them.

If you teach your child to believe in himself and treat himself with love and compassion, but at the same time you scold yourself for any mistake, he will most likely copy what he sees.

Become a model of positive behavior for your teen. Don’t hide your mistakes, failures, experiences and anxieties. Show how you deal with them. For example, talk about how you’re nervous about a big meeting, but you’re preparing well to perform well.

If you are upset and depressed, explain how you deal with it: how you accept your strengths and weaknesses, try to treat yourself with care, love and compassion.

What psychological techniques can you try?

On the Positive Psychology website offered five specific psychological techniques that can help a teenager build self-esteem and confidence.

Affirmations

An affirmation is a short, positive statement that works like a little self-hypnosis and can be good for self-esteem.

Correct affirmation:

• Short, to the point, and starts with “I.”
• Contains only affirmative phrases, without the particle “not”. For example, instead of saying “I am not afraid to express myself,” you could say “I am confident in sharing my opinions.”
• Formulated in the present tense.
• Contains a word that describes a sensation.
• Concerns a person and his behavior, not other people. For example, not “They listen to me with interest” but “I tell a fascinating story.”

Help your teen make a list of goals he wants to achieve. Let him write them on a piece of paper and hang them in a visible place.

Focusing on your goals, help your child create several affirmations and tell them that they will need to be repeated several times a day. For example, immediately after waking up and before going to bed, as well as during a break at school or at other specific times of the day.

Ask your teenager to fantasize – to imagine that he has already achieved his goals. Let him try to describe what emotions he experiences during this exercise.

Also teach your child to track progress. For example, at the end of each week or month, mark on a sheet of paper what you have achieved.

Self Confidence List

This tool will help you explore your feelings and prepare for challenges.

First, ask your teenager to think of a situation in which he felt confident. Use the following questions:

1. What kind of situation is this?
2. What were you telling yourself at that moment? What thoughts did you have?
3. What sensations did you have in your body? What did you feel?
4. What did you end up doing?

Then ask them to think of a time when the teen felt awkward, embarrassed, or upset. Use the same four questions.

Together, analyze the two resulting lists and answer the following questions:

1. What positive moments from the first situation can you use to remind yourself of your strengths in a difficult moment?
2. What can you do to feel more confident? For example, create a visualization of your feelings from the first situation.
3. What can you do differently the next time uncertainty arises again? What actions will give you strength?

This exercise will help the teenager understand that even in a difficult situation, one can control one’s feelings and actions.

Strengths

This exercise will help you discover your strengths. Offer your teenager:

1. Remember the time when he was at his best. For example, he brilliantly solved a problem or did something that he is still proud of. Let him write down this story.
2. Highlight the strong qualities that he showed at that moment. Let the teenager try to vividly recreate his experience in his mind and write what his contribution to that story was and what he felt in the process.
3. Re-read what he has written and underline or highlight words and phrases that relate to his personal strengths.

My victories

This tool is especially good for creative people. Invite your teenager to create a collage of frames and write in them the strengths, achievements or qualities that he values ​​​​in himself.

You can make such a project on paper using paints and markers, or create it in a design program using ready-made templates and pictures.

You can choose a specific theme for the collage together. For example, ask your teen to write reasons why he is a good friend, son or daughter, student, and person in general.

What you need to do before you die

This exercise helps you identify meaningful goals related to your personal values. You can do it together with your child – it will be useful for both.

The more clearly a teenager understands what he is striving for, the more effort he will be able to put into achieving what he wants. This, in turn, will help him notice his success, which will become the foundation for self-confidence.

1. Divide the sheet into three columns or make a spreadsheet.
2. Ask your teen to write down in the first column what they would like to achieve before they die. To avoid goals that are too large and complex, set a condition – it must be achievable in one year.
3. Let the child write down his personal motivation for each of his goals in the second column. Why is this important to him? How will this help him fill his life with meaning?
4. In the third column, ask your teen to determine the significance of all the items in the second column. Let him use a scale from 0 to 10, where 0 is not important at all, and 10 is extremely important.

At the end of the exercise, your teen will have a list of meaningful life goals – the first step towards self-confidence.