Whether you met on a dating app or in a group of friends, a first date can be awkward. Experts explain how to maintain a conversation with a person you are seeing for the first time in life, or recognize red flags already at the first meeting.
Situation: you want to go on a date, but don’t know which place to choose
For the first date, psychologist Martin Graff advises choose places where you and the person can talk and get to know each other better. Itâs better not to go where itâs noisy and youâll have to shout over each other. The other extreme is to go to the cinema or theater. There you won’t be able to talk at all.
If you want to step away from the usual coffee meetings, psychologist Marisa Cohen recommends Plan a date where you can show off your personality. For example, if you like cycling, you can plan a route and offer to ride together.
Situation: you donât know each other well and are worried that there wonât be anything to talk about
Try to make a connection
Sociologist and dating app researcher Jess Carbino offers find common ground between the interests of a potential partner and your own. You can start from afar. For example, if you met online, you can pick out an interesting fact from his profile. Ask where the person took the photo you like, or ask them to tell you about the interests that are listed in their profile.
If you were introduced by friends, ask how they know each other, how long they have known each other, and how they became friends. You can also share your story. This will help you grab something.
Use the environment
If you find it difficult to start a conversation, comment on your surroundings. Ask if the person has already been to the place where you came to chat, and if he often comes here. According to Jess Carbino, this can lead to interesting conversations about favorite places, food or travel.
Ask about a career
The usual phrase âwhat do you doâ will do, but family psychologist Jane Greer advises asking a more open-ended question: âWhy did you decide to develop in this area? When did you decide you wanted to do this?â You can ask about professionals in the field who inspire a potential partner to build a career.
Ask where the person grew up
You can understand a lot about a person by learning where and how he grew up. In addition, this can create new topics for discussion. For example, if you grew up in different cultures, countries, or cities, share local characteristics. You can ask a potential partner about traditions or ask them to tell about their childhood home.
Talk about your favorite things
People tend to find it easier to talk about what they really like. It could be anything: hobbies, music, movies, books, food, travel. Talking about your loved one is a good way to get to know the person better and find common ground.
Find out about his loved ones
First, ask to talk about your family, and then look at your partnerâs reaction. If he doesn’t really want to talk, it’s better to drop the topic. Perhaps the question seemed too personal to him. If the story is really hard, but the person is willing to share and you are willing to listen, you can say, âThat sounds really hard. How did you deal with it? If the conversation is relaxed from the very beginning, you can talk about family traditions or characteristics.
It is not necessary to involve relatives; you can ask about the potential partnerâs friends. For example, how many of them are there, how long have they been friends, who he considers closest and why.
Unleash his idea of ââthe good life
Everyone imagines their ideal life differently. Some want a large family and a house outside the city, others want to travel and enjoy a childless life. Psychologist Henry Cloud advises thinking about the future: âIf we were sitting here in two years, what would your life have to be like for you to consider it good?â You can ask the person what values ââare important to him or what ideas he supports. Then think about whether your views coincide and how comfortable you are in building a close relationship with this person.
Don’t forget about yourself
Remember that you should not only learn about your partner, but also talk about yourself. If you ask a person where they have traveled recently, follow up by sharing your thoughts about your most recent trip. For example, what impressed you about it or didnât like it too much, where else would you like to go.
Situation: before a date you are so nervous that your heart is jumping out of your chest
According to According to psychologist Martin Graff, it is completely normal to be nervous before a date, and there is no need to blame yourself for it.
Rehearse
The psychologist advises rehearsing a date with a friend or simply mentally replaying it in your head. Relationship coaches Lindsay Crisler and Donna Barnes also advise do not refuse friendly support. Ask them to encourage you – this will make you more confident in your abilities.
Remember your past dates
You’ve probably been on first dates before, so you have some idea of ââhow you might behave and when things might get awkward. For example, if you know that coffee makes you feel more anxious, order a different drink.
Decide what you want
Before you leave the house, stop for a moment and think about what exactly you want to get out of the meeting. It is important to set a goal that depends on you, and not on your partner. For example, âtry to be yourselfâ or âhave a lot of fun.â At the end of the date, you will realize how many goals you have achieved. Even if the second meeting does not happen, you will at least know that you did everything possible.
Release your energy
One way to get rid of anxiety is to move around. If the date is in the evening, and you’ve been worried since the morning, you can do a little sports training, dance to music at home, or make time for yoga and stretching.
Try breathing practices
Proper breathing helps fight anxiety and puts your thoughts in order. If you’re nervous about going on a date, try taking a few deep breaths or other breathing techniques.
Admit that you’re nervous
If you’re nervous, say you’re nervous. If you are shy, say that you are shy. Don’t try to sound like you’re super confident if you’re not. Most likely, when you admit this, you will feel better, and your partner will be able to find words of support.
Situation: you are afraid to encounter an abuser or manipulator, but you donât know how to immediately recognize him
There are several red flags that may appear as early as the first meeting.
Photos do not correspond to reality
If you met one person on a dating app, and a person of a completely different age, height, or even a mysterious stranger came for a date, this is a red flag. According to According to psychologist Jean Senarighi, a relationship that begins with a lie is unlikely to end well. This gives rise to mistrust and grounds for conflict.
Your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries
You say you don’t want to drink anymore, but the person still orders more. You are going home because you have to get up early tomorrow, but they persistently persuade you to stay. He tried to kiss you, and when you refused, he started getting angry to make you feel guilty. Psychologist Roxy Zarrabi explains: This behavior is a violation of personal boundaries. Notice how your partner reacts when they don’t get what they want.
He treats his ex with disdain
If exes come up in a conversation on a date and your partner speaks disparagingly about them and blames them for ruining the relationship, this can also be a wake-up call. According to Jean Senarighi, you have to be careful with such a person. There is a high probability that later you yourself will join the ranks of âcrazy exesâ.
He only talks about himself
You’re sharing a story, but the person suddenly interrupts you to tell you something about themselves. And this happens from time to time. If he constantly talks only about himself and is not at all interested in you, this may indicate self-centeredness. Perhaps your potential partner isn’t that keen to get to know you.
The partner is trying to get closer as soon as possible
He talks a lot about your future together, admires you and says that he has never met anyone like you. Be careful, it could be love bombing. That is, excessive attention to quickly win over and attach you to itself. This is dangerous because you may become captivated by your partner and miss other red flags.
He humiliates you under the guise of a joke.
Jokes that point out your âshortcomingsâ serve as a reason to think. At the same time, the person brushes it off and assures that he just has a specific sense of humor. However, psychotherapist Dulcinea Pitagora claims that this is how a person probes the boundaries of what is acceptable in order to feel power in a relationship. You can ask your potential partner not to joke, but if he continues to do this, it is better not to build a relationship with him.
He gives backhanded compliments
âYou look good for your age,â âyouâre cute, but it would be great if you grew your hair,â âI donât usually like this type, but youâre attractive.â Such âcomplimentsâ can be confusing, since it is not clear whether you were insulted or praised. However, such ambiguity is created specifically to make the other person feel insecure and to make him more likely to want approval.
Situation: the date is going badly and you want to leave
If the magic doesn’t happen and you realize you don’t want to continue, remember that you can always walk away. However, itâs better not to run away muttering that your friendâs cat is giving birth and she urgently needs help. There are much more delicate ways.
Express your gratitude
Yes, you might not like the date at all, but you can thank the person for taking the time to spend with you or paying for dinner. According to psychologist Martin Graff, this will leave a pleasant impression of you, and the person will not perceive your departure as a sharp rejection.
Be gentle
You shouldnât say outright that the potential partner was so boring and the date so terrible that you were counting the minutes until it ended. This can really hurt a person. It is not necessary to talk about the reason for leaving; it is better to simply wish everyone well and say goodbye.
Set another date if you want to see each other again
Sometimes force majeure really arises, because of which you have to leave a date, although you liked the person. Then you can immediately schedule another meeting before leaving, or agree to discuss the nuances that same evening in correspondence. According to psychologist Marty Nemko, this will help a person understand that you are interested and not just looking for a reason to escape.
Don’t give false hopes
The person himself can offer to meet another time. It’s better not to make vague promises if you don’t want to see each other again. Family psychologist Isadora Alman offers the following formulation: âI was pleased to meet you, but I donât see a future together. I hope you find what you are looking for.”
Put safety before politeness
If you see that a person does not accept refusal and continues to insist, it is better to take care of your safety and not about the feelings of others. If he starts acting aggressive or dangerous, it’s best to leave the date as soon as possible.