Situation: you met a nice person and liked each other. He pays a lot of attention, showers him with compliments and gives gifts. And then he suddenly pulls away, becomes rude, or disappears completely. And now it seems that things didn’t work out for you, when suddenly the would-be lover returns and again becomes caring and loving. If this sounds all too familiar, congratulations (it’s not): you seem to be facing an emotional rollercoaster.
What is an emotional swing?
According to Collins Dictionary, emotional swing, or roller coaster, is a situation that alternately makes you feel excited, excited, and happy, and then sad and disappointed. Mood swings occur abruptly: you either feel very good with your partner, or feel very bad. Manifestations of care and love are abruptly replaced by coldness, outbursts of jealousy or quarrels.
Emotional swing is a manipulative tactic. When one disappears or becomes rude, the other does not understand what went wrong, because before everything was fine. It is very easy to fall under the influence of a roller coaster, since initially the partner gives a lot of positive emotions that tie you to him.
According to by relationship coach Lara Asprey, some people are more susceptible to roller coasters. For example, if you have lost someone important in your life before, you may fear losing that loss again. Therefore, you do everything possible to keep your relationship intact and tolerate a changeable partner.
How to recognize emotional swings
There are several signs by which you can understand that you are in a relationship with an emotional swing.
Vivid display of affection
At first, the partner showers you with attention. He is very romantic, flatters a lot and shows his affection in every possible way. Psychologist Anniya Raja explains: This is necessary to gain your trust and emotionally attach to you. This way, when your partner suddenly disappears, you will want to get back into their good graces.
Denial of the problem
You try to tell the person about your concern about his behavior, but in response you hear denial: “I’m not missing, I’m just very busy right now. Don’t make a mountain out of a mountain.” This raises doubts about your feelings, you can even believe that there really is no problem. But if suddenly you get tired of tolerating such an attitude and offer to break up, the person will suddenly become affectionate, loving and attentive again.
Sudden quarrels
One of the partners seems to be constantly walking through a minefield. It is not clear what will be the reason for the scandal and removal this time. Quarrels arise suddenly and end just as unexpectedly. Some people, under the influence of emotional swings, develop a feeling of guilt and a desire to ask for forgiveness for everything. Because you don’t want to upset your partner, but this happens in any case.
Egocentrism
The initiator of an emotional swing often puts his needs on a pedestal. You see each other, communicate, go on dates only when he wants it. You may feel like you are constantly making sacrifices and compromises to please, but not getting anything in return. The relationship seems one-sided, so over time it becomes very draining.
Where do emotional swings in relationships come from?
Because of the desire for power and control
Like many other manipulative tactics, a roller coaster relationship can indicate a desire to control everything around you. Psychologist Jamie Cannon assumesthat something may have happened to the initiators of the emotional swing in the past that makes them feel insecure in close relationships. Having suffered, they resort to manipulation as a way to control another person and his feelings.
Due to the inability to speak directly about the problem
According to relationship coach Deb Morgan, sometimes people just can’t express their emotions and concerns about relationships. Therefore, they resort to emotional swings. A person faces difficulties, and it is easier for him to disappear than to admit his vulnerability.
Because of unsatisfied desires
Manipulation is a way for one person to uncompromisingly get what he wants from another. For example, your partner misses you when you go out with friends on the weekend. Instead of talking openly about feelings, he starts a scandal and claims that you left him alone. If you make concessions, your partner calms down and his mood rises again.
Due to narcissistic personality disorder
Psychologist Amy Kaplan asserts, that for people with narcissistic personality disorder it is typical to shower their partner with attention and adoration in the first few days, and then disappear. This is not always conscious, it’s just that this model of relationship seems right to them.
What to do if you find yourself in such a relationship
Start keeping a diary
If you have doubts about your partner’s behavior, keep a diary. Clinical psychologist Carla Manley advises write down all situations that seem to be manipulated. A diary will help you look at the situation more objectively. You will notice patterns that you did not see during moments of conflict. Later, you can look at the records and understand whether the relationship is really more like a roller coaster.
Share your experiences with loved ones
It is difficult to look at the situation sensibly if you are deeply in love or simply do not understand what happened to your partner. Try talking about your feelings to friends, family or a psychologist. An outside perspective will help you evaluate what is happening differently.
Stop manipulation
If your partner starts a scandal again or moves away, do not follow his lead. Set clear boundaries and explain that it is not acceptable to speak rudely to you. Say that you are ready to discuss problems only in a calm environment. If a person is moving away, do not hesitate to ask the question directly. According to Anniya Raja, your directness will show the limits of what is acceptable: how you can be treated and how you cannot be treated.
Think about breaking up
You tried to talk, discuss problems, asked your partner not to disappear, but he disappears again or makes scenes of jealousy for no reason. If a person does not change his behavior, continues to manipulate, and you feel bad because of this, think about breaking up. Your well-being should come first.