How to understand that it’s time to change something
Sometimes we come across clear signs that indicate that something needs to change for the better for everyone. Let’s look at the most common situations.
1. You are stuck in a circle of problems.
The same words that you repeat dozens of times, the same scenarios for the development of conflicts. And it seems that you have already discussed the issue and even seemed to have decided something, but here you are again talking about everything like the first time.
This is a signal that you should rise above the problem and take a closer look at exactly how you are trying to solve it. Obviously, if you continue to do the same thing over and over again, you will not only not get out of this situation, but with each new round you will feel more and more powerless in front of it.
Resentment, irritation, and indignation will only accumulate, and all this over time can become a significant reason for separation.
Try to analyze recurring problems and agree with your partner to behave differently than you are used to.
For example, if you scolded your other half every time for dirty dishes, now you praise them for washing the plates. Previously, you got offended and went into another room for the whole evening – but now stay and try to discuss how to come to a compromise.
Unfortunately, it is not always possible to independently see the cycles in which we find ourselves and interrupt them. And in this case, you should seek help from a family psychologist – especially if you have been in a relationship for a long time.
2. You don’t discuss problems and desires
You don’t talk about what exactly doesn’t suit you in the relationship and in each other, you accumulate dissatisfaction and speak out to third parties, for example, friends or relatives.
Of course, discussing your desires and problems directly with your partner can be scary: there is always a chance to offend, disappoint, or anger him. However, an unspoken problem is an unsolvable problem. But such problems are not to be joked about. You can get used to some, but most often it leads to relationships full of manipulation and games, which are excruciatingly painful to be in.
There are various reasons why a couple doesn’t talk. The easiest option is when there is no such experience. In this case, different questions for couples will help – they can be found on the Internet. There are also special notebooks and games for couples. Both partners should take turns responding, thus moving toward a better explanation of their needs and desires.
For example: “What in our relationship gives you the most joy?”, “Do you have secret ambitions?”, “What made you laugh today?” and so on. Of course, it is important to listen carefully to your partner’s answers and be sincere for this to be effective.
It’s another matter if the conversation doesn’t work out, because any statements about one’s problems and desires lead to strong emotions and conflict. Then such a game can become just another reason to quarrel. In this case, it is better to contact a family psychologist who can help you hear each other and show you how your emotional triggers work.
3. You don’t understand what’s going on between you
If there is no clarity in your relationship, there are a lot of doubts and fears inside, then this may signal a period of crisis in an already established couple. One way or another, ambiguity is associated with changes that are worth understanding: to understand what exactly is happening, what you like or dislike about it, what the pitfalls are and what can be done to improve the situation.
Only constant communication will help here. Discuss how things are now and where you want to end up.
It may seem that everything is already clear, because you are constantly in sight of each other and know what is going on with each other. But this is an illusion, and the feeling of crisis is precisely proof that nothing is clear.
And this needs to be dealt with. Often, couples avoid these conversations to avoid confronting painful new information or unpleasant truths. But such a collision is the only way to resolve everything for the better.
4. You are not attracted to each other
You can live together, but sometimes it feels more like cohabitation than intimacy. It is more interesting for you to do anything separately and you will always prefer meeting with friends to an evening together. Even if you really have no complaints against each other, it’s difficult to call this format of coexistence a full-fledged relationship.
Things may be coming to an end, but you’re afraid to admit it. Or you find it difficult to get too close to another person. One way or another, this is worth dealing with.
A relationship can really die if you’re just not interested or good together. But it happens that the issue is a lack or excess of intimacy. You know better which case is yours. If intimacy is not enough, then you need to figure out how to fix it.
Sharing new experiences, getting to know each other, and talking about topics you don’t usually talk about can help.
If there is too much closeness, you need to look for opportunities to distance and create personal space. Personal hobbies and interests, individual friends and your own ambitious goals will help you see each other at an attractive distance.
5. You periodically break up and get back together
And finally, the last common sign of problems in relationships is constant breakups that end in the next restoration of the relationship. Being together is difficult, being apart is impossible. At the same time, all the problems within the relationship do not go away, and every time you try to escape again and again.
This is a fairly common and yet problematic relationship model. And often it is associated with the signs that we discussed above: the inability to solve the problem, difficulty discussing it, fear of intimacy.
Changing this without a specialist can be very difficult, since there are many nuances that you need to learn to understand, experience, correct, and in such couples the resource is usually exhausted by endless breaks and reunions.
How to decide to change
All of the above situations are a good reason to start working on relationships. Psychologists have been helping couples cope with such problems for many decades. They have developed a rich set of practices and techniques that help solve even very difficult issues. Joint therapy is a great opportunity to save a couple and strengthen your relationship with the person you care about.
But you can try to improve your relationship on your own. Here’s how to do it:
- Talk more often not only about everyday affairs, but also about each other, your dreams, desires, interests.
- Go to new places together, gain new experiences together and discuss them.
- Spend time with each other so that your attention is not distracted by extraneous tasks.
- Maintain your personal space, your interests and your personal friends. Set aside days just for yourself.
- Don’t run away from conflicts, learn to talk about difficult things calmly and kindly.
- Praise each other more often and scold each other less. Emphasize why your partner is important to you. Do something nice for no reason.
- Read literature on family relationships, such as books by Sue Johnson or Esther Perel.
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