Andrey Buzykin, the main character of the film “Autumn Marathon,” is an intelligent and hesitant translator. A man avoids conflicts, is afraid of offending someone and agrees to any requests. He goes on hated morning jogs, where a foreign friend constantly calls him, endures the company of an alcoholic neighbor and follows the lead of an arrogant colleague who exploits his talent without hesitation.
Buzykin does not want to hurt either his wife or his mistress and cannot make a final choice between them, which only causes more suffering to both women. The hero of the picture tries to please everyone and because of this he cannot live the way he wants. Andrey Buzykin can be called spineless or soft-bodied, but to describe such people there is a more apt word – pleaser.
Who are pleasers and how can they be identified?
Pleasers (from the English please – “to please”) are people who please others, even if this is contrary to their own interests. This behavior is different from healthy altruism. It is dictated not by a sincere and conscious desire to help, but by the inability to refuse and put one’s needs above the needs of others. For pleasers, it is extremely important to receive approval from the outside; their desire to look good can be so strong that it sometimes resembles addiction.
Here’s what’s typical for a typical pleaser:
- Fear of conflicts. Pleasers cannot bear the idea that someone will be angry with them, so they avoid open conflicts by any means. No matter how strong their discontent and indignation may be, they will carefully hide it in order to maintain a good relationship with the person and smooth out any rough edges.
- Lack of own opinion. Because of the desire to be liked, pleasers pretend that they agree with everyone. Such people often do not have strong views and beliefs. They change them depending on the situation, adapt to the behavior of others and imitate a keen interest in the topic in order to better fit into the company. For example, surrounded by childfree pleasers will say that they also don’t want children, but in the company of young parents it turns out that they dream of having a child.
- Inability to refuse. Pleasers are afraid that refusing to respond to a request is guaranteed to ruin the relationship with the person. This fear makes them agree to things they don’t want to do and help even people they don’t like. Those around them often take advantage of such reliability, and pleasers have no energy and time left for their own lives.
- The habit of apologizing and making excuses. Pleasers are used to taking responsibility for other people’s emotions. They believe that the happiness of others is their personal task, so they feel guilty for the slightest inconvenience. Repenting for being two minutes late is very pleasing in style.
- Suppression of emotions. To remain comfortable and not spoil anyone’s mood, pleasers forbid themselves to show negative emotions. Often they cannot admit even to themselves that they feel anger, resentment, sadness or disappointment. And showing these feelings to another person is out of the question.
What motivates a person to become a pleaser?
An excessive desire to please is inherent in many people. Among your friends, most likely, there are several pleasers, and perhaps you yourself have noticed such behavior in yourself. Here are a few reasons that could have triggered it.
Self-esteem problems
Unconfident people cannot objectively assess their achievements and abilities; they constantly deny or belittle them. At the same time, they exaggerate other people’s successes and consider them completely deserved. A person with low self-esteem seems to be inferior to others in many ways, so he will always trust their opinions more than his own. With this perception, praise from other people becomes almost the only confirmation of personal significance. To feel it, a person strives by any means to gain the approval of others.
Painful experience
The behavior of pleasers could be influenced by traumatic situations from the past, for example, the experience of an abusive relationship or school bullying. Victims mistakenly blame themselves for what happened and try to behave “correctly” so as not to provoke a conflict and again not face emotional and physical violence. By pleasing others, they try to protect themselves, but in reality become only they are more vulnerable and cannot cope with the consequences of the injury for a long time.
Upbringing
This is the same case when parents may be to blame for psychological problems. If they were distant, did not praise the child enough and forbade him to show emotions, then he was likely to grow up to be a pleaser. Phrases like “You don’t want to upset your mom?” and “If you don’t obey, I’ll send you to an orphanage” instill in children the belief that they deserve love only if they behave well and please others. As adults, they continue to believe this, which is why they often experience anxiety in relationships.
Not only the words of parents, but also gender stereotypes can push people to please.
Girls are taught from childhood to be diligent, modest and caring, while boys are encouraged to be independent and assertive. Because of this, women stronger expressed sociotropy – excessive focus on other people and a tendency to overestimate the importance of interpersonal relationships.
What difficulties do pleasers face?
Pleasers seem to be extremely pleasant and helpful people. They easily recognize other people’s emotions and thanks to this they can enjoy a good reputation at work and have many friends. But this is just a façade, behind which an unsightly underside often hides. This is what pleasers can suffer from.
Relationship problems
Pleasers constantly do things they don’t like, sacrifice themselves for others, and hold back negative emotions. This leads to the fact that they cannot truly open up to a person and accumulate resentment and irritation inside. Not receiving the expected gratitude, pleasers often withdraw or express their dissatisfaction through passive aggression. All this is not the best foundation for a healthy relationship.
Inability to live your own life
Pleasers are so passionate about meeting the needs of others that they are sorely lacking in time, energy and motivation to achieve their goals. Moreover, behind the desires of others, such people cease to understand what they themselves want, and feel confused and insecure.
Stress and anxiety
Constantly worrying about what others will think, trying to control other people’s emotions and being good to everyone is exhausting and harmful to mental health. Research psychologists confirm that people with pronounced sociotropy are more neurotic, prone to perfectionism and more susceptible to symptoms of depression and anxiety.
How to stop being a pleaser
The desire to make people happier is great, but only if it does not turn into an obsession and begins to ruin your life. If you have identified pleaser traits and want to stop pleasing others to your detriment, try these steps.
Learn to say no
Building personal boundaries and confidently defending your interests is the most difficult but important task for pleasers. It won’t be possible to decisively refuse right away, so it’s worth starting with small steps. Discourage yourself from agreeing instantly, take a break to collect your thoughts and think through your answer in an environment where no one puts pressure on you. If it’s difficult for you to say “no” to a person’s face, do it in correspondence, it’s easier to cope with emotions and defend your position.
Is even this difficult? Then, along with the refusal, offer an alternative that is more comfortable for you. For example, if relatives ask for help with repairs, say that you are too busy right now, but you can lend them tools or share the contacts of a trusted technician. To feel more confident, come up with an answer in advance and practice it in front of the mirror.
Work on your self-esteem
Praise yourself often and celebrate your achievements. Think about what you are good at and do more of it. Try to compare yourself not with other people, but with yourself from the past.
Reconsider your social circle
People are well aware of the reliability of pleasers and often abuse it. Think about who from your environment is really pleased to help, and who manipulates and takes advantage of you at any opportunity. Reduce contact with the latter and spend more time with those you truly like.
Outline your goals and keep them focused
One of the main problems of pleasers is that they neglect their needs. To prevent this from happening, you need to clearly define them and constantly keep them in mind. Before agreeing to someone’s request, ask yourself whether it matches your interests and beliefs, whether it will help you achieve your goals and feel happier. If the answer is clearly negative, you should refuse.
