What is situationship
Situationship is a relationship with an unclear status. For example, a couple goes on dates, sometimes gives each other gifts, has sex – in general, does everything that is customary in a normal relationship. But at the same time, people do not indicate in any way who they are to each other. Maybe they are still a couple and this is the basis for a long-term union? Or friends with benefits? Or maybe it’s a one-night stand, stretched out over time, and tomorrow one partner will blacklist the other in all messengers and disappear into thin air? If for such a relationship it was necessary to choose the “VKontakte” status, it would be the “Everything is complicated” status.
The term “situationship” arose as a result of the merger of the English words “situation” and “relationship”. There is no precise definition of this concept – which is ironic, given that it describes an undefined relationship.
In the informal dictionary Urban Dictionary, users themselves add interpretations of words, and situationship there interpreted differently. Often, by the wording, you can assess how painful the experience of such a relationship was for the author. Here is a free translation of some meanings:
- A relationship that is not called anything, similar to friendship, but more than friendship.
- A situation where two dummies enter into a relationship, but for fear that things will become too serious or complicated, they don’t call it anything. Because of this, everything becomes even more serious and confusing.
- An interaction in which people do everything they would do in a relationship, but don’t call it anything.
- A relationship where one person is in love and ready to do anything. And the other is a bad person who doesn’t feel the same, but doesn’t mind having sex.
- A relationship without definition that causes painful or confusing feelings for both parties.
To summarize, a situational relationship is an interaction that looks like a relationship, but does not develop further.
At the same time, at least one person in the couple experiences discomfort because of this. But everything remains as it is, because the suffering partner or both do not find the strength and courage to finally find out what is happening.
However, this is not a no-strings-attached relationship. This is a relationship where you don’t understand whether you have any obligations at all and what kind. In them it is not clear to you what you can demand from your partner and from yourself. For example, is it possible to go on dates with other people if you are not a couple? Or are you still a couple and you can’t do this? When the status is unclear, there are too many questions and therefore everything becomes very complicated.
Why situational relationships became possible
When a phenomenon arises, they quickly come up with a name for it. The word situationship appeared in the Urban Dictionary in 2014, but, obviously, existed among the people before that.
Over-friendship, or under-relationship, in today’s context is difficult to imagine in a time when premarital sex was frowned upon (although it did exist). Then the relationship by default led to marriage and it came to bed when everything was more or less serious. If someone did not plan anything serious, he was a deceiver and a scoundrel. And even earlier, situationship was completely impossible, since the relationship practically began with a marriage proposal.
There is no “default” right now.
People enter into relationships of different statuses, and often do so consciously. It could be just sex, friendship with benefits, a temporary relationship with no further plans, open or polyamorous, and so on.
But it makes sense to talk about awareness when the partners have discussed their goals and made sure that they coincide.
If not, different situations may arise. For example, in the first season of Sex and the City, Carrie dates Mr. Big for a while, and then sees him on a date with another woman. To her indignation, he replies: “But we did not discuss that we have an exclusive relationship.” A good example of a mismatch in basic settings. For Carrie it was self-evident: if you date someone, then only with one. Mr. Big had a different opinion on this matter.
If people want to understand what’s going on between them, it needs to be discussed. And doing this can be scary. Someone is afraid of scaring off their partner – maybe he hasn’t thought about where the relationship is leading, and from such directness he gets nervous and runs away. Someone is afraid to answer the question “What kind of relationship do we have?” to hear that there is no relationship. After all, until this is announced, there remains hope that everything is going according to the desired scenario. Well, someone actually already knows the answer and may even have heard it from their partner, but does not want to admit it and prefers to remain in illusions.
What are the signs of a situation situation?
Each case is individual. But the following signs, if there are many of them, may suggest that your relationship is in an unclear status:
- You cannot give a clear answer to the question: what is between you? If someone calls your partner your boyfriend or girlfriend, you feel the need to correct them, or you agree but feel like you’re being deceived.
- You never talked about your relationship. They seem to be in a fragile balance that is scary to disturb with questions.
- Your relationship is unpredictable. For example, you are not sure that you will meet on the weekend; you do not know whether you will spend the holiday together or be left alone. No preliminary agreements, just a series of random meetings.
- You are not each other’s priority. Some of you may cancel the date because more interesting things have come up. Sometimes you don’t meet for weeks and remember your partner as a residual.
- You don’t plan anything for the future as a couple. Available only today, maybe next week. The rest is vague.
It is worth noting that all this can only be true for one partner. The second may understand everything – he considers himself in a relationship that is simply specially designed. Or for him it’s just sex with some emotional addition, and not just physical exercise in bed. But he doesn’t feel any frustration about this.
Why situational situations are not always bad
As we saw in the definitions above, people experience varying degrees of discomfort with such uncertainty. They may not see any problem at all. True, then they would hardly have wondered what was happening between them. Still, the very word “situationship” appeared from the desire to somehow name this type of relationship, that is, to define it: “Between us it’s not this and not that… Oh yes, these are situational relationships.”
If everyone is happy with everything, situation management can work. For example, you recently got out of a serious relationship and want to enjoy freedom.
But at the same time, it’s nice to have a non-binding relationship that you don’t want to name. Maybe they will develop into something serious, maybe not – what’s the difference? In this case, it is better to make sure that you and your partner are in agreement on this issue. Because he may suffer from such uncertainty.
Can a situational situation develop into a serious relationship?
The short answer is yes, but there are nuances. Situationship is a frequent stage at the beginning of a relationship, when nothing is clear yet. Gradually the contact becomes closer and questions disappear. If uncertainty lasts for years, then the dynamics are not the most optimistic.
The main thing in this situation is not to deceive yourself. Many relationships, including situational ones, are based solely on the hope of one of the partners: the other will change and understand everything, and I will become better in order to win love. But there are no guarantees here.
It is better to listen to yourself and your feelings. If you feel uncomfortable, is the relationship worth continuing? Imagine that nothing will change in a month, six months, a year. How does this make you feel?
It may not develop into a serious relationship. And you may already be experiencing anxiety, fear, and sadness. Is it worth tormenting yourself like this?
How to clarify your relationship status
If you realize that you are stuck in a situational relationship and are experiencing discomfort, you should muster the courage and talk about it. It is clear that with one thought many fears and doubts immediately emerge. Many people don’t want to ask questions directly because they find excuses for their partner. For example, he has suffered in past relationships and is not yet ready to define ours; he has an avoidant attachment type; he needs time to sort out his feelings.
But you should worry about yourself. Are you comfortable with this uncertainty? Are you willing to wait months or years for things to change?
Psychological characteristics, fears, problems with attachment of another person are the field of activity of his psychologist. You don’t have to endure this. It is better to know the answer now and, based on this clarity, act.
Even if you don’t get the answer you want, any other certainty may still suit you. For example, you might agree on a friendship with benefits arrangement. In this case, at least you will not impose additional obligations on yourself and will feel more freedom.
Uncertainty puts pressure on itself because it deprives us of supports from which we can push off. It is reminiscent of a free fall, when you don’t know whether the ground is close or how dangerous a collision with it is. Certainty is when you have already landed and can assess what happened and understand what to do next.
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