For a long time, it was a popular belief that deep emotional intimacy exists only between a child and a mother. As we grow older, we gain independence and are already able to give ourselves everything that we once received from another person: care, attention and love. It was believed that a great need for a partner was a sign of weakness or immaturity. Actually this is not true.
The founder of attachment theory, John Bowlby, was originally focused on the study of the connection between a child and a parent, but his followers began to extend the theory to relationships between adults.
It turned out that people need in deep emotional intimacy at any age. There is a wonderful and very accurate phrase: “We know ourselves only by being reflected in the loving eyes of another.” Of course, as we grow older, the nature of relationships changes. But we still greatly need a significant person with whom we build close relationships and from whom we receive support.
There is no need to strive for absolute independence. But at the same time, you are also afraid of your need for love and intimacy. That’s why.
What is emotional intimacy
First of all, let’s understand the word “emotional”. It is possible to build such intimacy when you or the other person are in contact with your emotions: you feel them, you can name them. You live them, communicate using emotions.
Of course, the level of emotionality is different for all people. It is best if the pair is similar. When people are at different poles – one is very emotional, and the other is not at all, then building relationships is more difficult.
But success is still possible – if both partners are at least in harmony with their feelings and stop suppressing them.
Emotional intimacy is, first of all, your understanding of the feelings that a loved one experiences about one thing or another. This means that you do not assume or guess, but know exactly how your partner feels, how different life situations affect him, how emotions are manifested in behavior. For example, you understand that he is silent after a quarrel not because he ignores you, but because he feels guilty and does not know what to do.
How to understand if there is emotional intimacy in your couple
There are several bright markers that show whether it is there right now.
Opportunity to discuss any topic
You can freely touch on any issues, based not only on events, but also on your feelings. Compare two options: “You’re late, you’re always late” and “You’re late again, and I’m terribly upset. In such cases, I feel like I’m not your priority.”
It is also important how you feel in the relationship. Everything is fine if the discussion takes place without quarrels, shouting, insults or ridicule, in the form of constructive dialogue.
The ability to not hide difficult emotions
You are not afraid to talk about situations in which you experienced difficult and unpleasant feelings. For example, you were ashamed, you were scared, you felt strange, and so on. By sharing these experiences with your partner, you feel safe and know that you will receive support and understanding.
Mutual respect and acceptance
There is no room in your relationship for feelings of superiority over each other. No one considers himself better than the other and does not force his partner to correct anything in himself. You accept each other for who you are now and support your spouse on the path of emotional and personal growth.
Physical intimacy
Emotional intimacy is a necessary condition for physical intimacy. Of course, many factors influence attraction. But if overall it is stable in a couple, this is an indication that emotional intimacy is most likely okay. But if one of the partners begins to avoid physical contact under various pretexts, then this is a reason to think about it.
What role do personal boundaries of partners play in relationships?
First, let’s figure out what boundaries actually are and what they are. There is no formal definition, but most often they are understood as personal parameters or restrictions with the help of which a person determines acceptable norms of behavior with him in different contexts and situations. To put it simply: “This is possible with me, but this is not possible.”
Most often, boundaries are differentiated by content: physical, emotional, material, temporary, and so on. However, I want to focus on functional separation.
Researchers allocate up to seven types of such boundaries. But let’s focus on those that are critical to relationships and can interfere with building emotional intimacy:
- Protective – the most basic ones. They are designed to protect us from harm – physical or emotional. These are hard boundaries, beyond which our security and basic needs are at risk. These include restrictions regarding aggressive behavior, emotional abuse, and attacks on our dignity and freedom.
- Defining – boundaries outlining the little-changeable components of our individuality. For example, the values, beliefs and personality traits that determine our self-identity. We attribute certain traits to ourselves: a sense of humor, independence, empathy. And at the same time we ourselves determine what is funny and what is not, where the border of independence lies, and so on. This is something without which “I will not be me, but another person.”
- Negotiated are boundaries that are created in relationships and describe the principles of communication, mutual understanding, compromise and trust. They help to bring to the fore not the needs of a particular person, but the conditions necessary for the development of relationships.
It often happens that a person focused on defending his boundaries skips the contractual layer, where it is necessary to build trust and make mutual compromises for the sake of developing relationships. And he considers what is happening within the framework of defining boundaries that cannot be compromised.
Let’s say, for the conventional Katya, manifestations of care are very important. She herself is very attentive and always asks several times during the day how things are and how her partner is feeling. And therefore he expects the same attitude on his part, and considers any deviations from his own expectations as ignorance and detachment.
“I’m attentive, I demand the same from you, and if you don’t do this, then we have a problem” – this is the level of defining boundaries when there is a strict definition of caring. And this limits the building of intimacy.
This position may be justified for external relationships: with bosses, colleagues, perhaps with parents or friends – when you do not expect the development of your relationship, but want to stay where you are. With a partner, it makes sense to gradually transform the defining boundaries into contractual status. In this case, the relationship has the opportunity to develop towards emotional intimacy.
In the example above, Katya can accept that expressions of caring can be different. For example, not calls and messages during the working day, but intimate conversations over dinner, weekends spent together, taking on household responsibilities, and so on.
Why it can be difficult for us to move away from our rigid boundaries
The fact is that boundaries are needed to protect something very vulnerable and painful. As a rule, we have been traumatized in the past and, taught by bitter experience, we defend ourselves here and now – just in case.
But if you’re defensive rather than showing your vulnerability to your partner, it means you don’t feel safe in the relationship and can’t discuss your emotions openly. And this contradicts the very concept of emotional intimacy. When there is fear of pain, there is no fear – on the contrary, there is a desire to share with a partner in order to receive support.
Of course, in any relationship there are negative experiences – we are all living people and sometimes we do something that offends a loved one. The difference is that emotional intimacy creates the experience of resolving similar situations – when partners hurt each other, then clarified the situation and ultimately healed this offense. Having had a positive experience of coming out of such a situation, they continue to talk about feelings in the future, and they do not have the fear of being open to each other. After all, they know that everything can be overcome.
The shared experience of overcoming pain increases trust in the partner. And this is very important for building relationships. The more trust, the greater the intimacy and the more difficult topics you can discuss.
To build quality relationships, it is important to shift your focus from protecting boundaries to establishing emotional intimacy with your partner. This process must be gradual: if at first the boundaries are decisive, then over time they become more negotiable.
You and your partner give up rigid interpretations of your needs in favor of those that suit both of you and allow the relationship to develop. For example, care is interpreted in a way that suits both partners, and both can show and receive it.
Focus on your comfort and your partner’s feelings – how easy it is for both of you to share your feelings. If at some stage your other half is not ready for a further increase in emotional intimacy, and this is critical for you, it is better to openly discuss this issue. Couples therapy may be needed to resolve these differences. If differences in emotional openness only worsen, it is worth thinking about the future of this relationship.
How not to “fall” into a merger
When building emotional intimacy, it is important not to overdo it and prevent fusion – that is, dependence of your emotional state on your partner. For example, if the sight of a loved one in stress causes you to panic, this is a sign of fusion.
This phenomenon can be compared to infection, when you are unable to control your emotions and are completely dependent on the feelings of another person.
Empathy can be considered as an alternative to fusion. The latter is different in that you understand the feelings of the other, but at the same time maintain stability and feel emotional independence.
Imagine that your partner is immersed in his experiences, like in a swamp. But at the same time you remain on solid ground and can support him and help him without falling into the problem with him. When merging, you jump into the water, lose the ability to act and both get bogged down. Support and help are valuable, but each person is ultimately responsible for their own emotions and their regulation – give this responsibility to your partner.
How to maintain balance
In the process of building intimacy, it is important to carefully observe changes in yourself, your partner and your relationship. Ask yourself questions: do you feel satisfied along this path and are you comfortable with your partner? Notice whether the feeling of security and trust in your couple is growing, even if at the beginning of the journey it seemed unlikely due to past grievances or experiences.
Think about the influence your partner has on your personality: do you like the side of your “I” that manifests itself in his presence? For example, with someone we begin to do spontaneous things, with someone we become more controlling, with someone we feel the need to criticize, and with someone we turn into Mother Teresa and feel sorry. The people around us contribute to different aspects of our personality, and it is important that you not only enjoy the relationship itself, but also you in it.
The ability to build close relationships improves with experience and practice. Don’t hesitate to reach out to professionals who can offer professional support and advice to further develop your relationship.
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