This sometimes happens: you and your partner no longer strive to spend time together, one of you – or even both – is of little interest in what is happening with the other. It is difficult to say what awaits your couple in the future, because it is simply not visible. And the past, long-familiar scenarios for both of them no longer work. The relationship has reached a dead end, and we need to somehow get out of it – together or alone. Let’s see what can be done here.
Tell yourself how important your relationship with this person is to you.
If you find yourself in such a situation, you should first figure out how dear you are to the person who is now gradually moving away from you. There must have been a lot of good in your shared history. And these memories will not be devalued either by time or by any continuation or even termination of your relationship.
Think about whether you would be willing to start over from scratch with this person. With the one you see right now.
Remember that at the beginning of any story, no one knows where it will lead. Are you ready to open a new chapter without guarantees of an indispensable happy ending – simply because this person is really dear to you? If yes, your relationship has a good chance.
You can listen to your body’s signals. If, when thinking about your partner, you feel tension and stiffness, if your shoulders and jaw involuntarily clench, this is an alarming sign. But if you want to hug your partner, cuddle up to him, if the thought of his touch is pleasant to you, you should try to restore mutual understanding.
Take a break before deciding to break up
Yes, perhaps you both will decide that it is better to break up. But such a decision should not be made rashly, in a fit of emotion. So take your time. Try to start by just taking a break from each other.
If possible, live separately. If not, communicate only when necessary. During the pause, do not think about relationships – just go about your business and hobbies. Meet with friends, go out alone.
Perhaps the problem is not in the relationship, but in the fact that one of the partners forgot about their interests and tried to replace them only with joint plans and goals.
Time alone will remind everyone of what they love and appreciate. Perhaps it will be enough to establish a balance between the interests of each and matters that concern both. And the relationship will come to life again.
But perhaps you or your partner will understand during the pause that you would like to go on alone. This means itâs time to say goodbye – everyone has new meetings ahead.
Prepare for change if you’re going to give your relationship a new lease of life.
You realized that you want to continue to be together. This is great, but remember: it wonât be the same as before. This is impossible. Changes will begin in any case, so you should start them yourself and not trust chance. Here’s what to do.
Start talking to your partner
It doesn’t have to be about your relationship. It often happens that people see each other every day and therefore believe that they know everything about a loved one. But in fact, both do not tell each other about something seemingly insignificant, but important.
For example, about the fact that the blockage at work has been going on for a long time and there is no end in sight. Therefore, I either want to go on vacation, or update my resume and look for another place. Or that it would be nice to run in the morning, but for some reason you just canât start: either laziness has overcome you, or you just donât have enough strength. Or that I accidentally heard a new single, and now it plays on repeat all the time – âas if it was written about me.â
You just have to ask the other person how he lives now, what he thinks about, what worries him and what makes him happy. And listen with interest to the answers. You will be surprised, but even for couples who have been together for 10â15 years, such conversations can reveal a lot of new things about a loved one.
Mutual interest can be a serious step towards breaking the deadlock. Clinical psychologist from Canada Sue Johnson writes in her book âHold Me Tightâ that one of the main causes of problems in relationships is emotional isolation.
Sue Johnson
Quote from the book “Hold Me Tight”
Only by diving into the very depths can you see a huge block of ice on which the love boat crashed. Partners are emotionally disconnected. They no longer feel safe around each other. All the anger, irritation, criticism and demands are actually a cry of despair. This is an attempt to reach loved ones. Awaken their hearts. Return the emotional response and restore the previous feeling of safe intimacy.
Therefore, talk and share your emotions. Well, then, when you again feel that you are interested in each other, you can discuss the relationship itself. But not grievances and complaints. You just need to tell each other what you want from your life together, what you expect, what you are missing. And listen to the other again. Well, discuss what development of the situation would suit both of them.
Agree on how you can support each other
Perhaps changes for the better will begin with some little thing. For example, your partner will know that his favorite ice cream is waiting for him in the refrigerator every evening – you will take care of it. And you will be sure that a couple of times a month on weekends the two of you will go to a new cafe. Where exactly is a surprise for you; your partner will choose the establishment himself and book a table.
You can try introducing such a ritual. Agree that in the event of a quarrel, one of you will definitely ask: âWhat can I do for you now?â And the other will certainly answer, with remarks like âDisappear immediately!â or âBecome a normal person, and not such an idiot as you are now!â, as well as offensive requests are not allowed.
Hearing the question, the other person should stop for a second and think about what would really help him right now. And ask to do a simple household chore. For example, make tea, open the window and turn on your favorite track, or get a massage.
But, having received what he asked for, he himself must do in return what his partner asks. Such a ritual will help you learn to understand yourself betterâwithout this you wonât be able to formulate a request. And also respect the wishes of the other.
Try to come up with different ways to support – talk to your partner about this too. Those that both will like will help strengthen mutual understanding. Well, those that donât take root can be easily replaced with others. The main thing is not the ritual itself, but your desire to be attentive to the emotions and needs of another.
Sue Johnson
Quote from the book “Hold Me Tight”
Partners are like tightrope walkers, belaying each other over an abyss. When the wind of doubt and fear begins to blow, as soon as they panic and cling to each other or turn sharply away for cover, the rope begins to sway. To balance, we must adapt to our partnerâs movements and be sensitive to his emotions. This is the only way to achieve emotional balance in a couple.
Constantly offer something new in addition to the usual rituals
The human brain constantly strives for the unknown. He must learn something new – for such discoveries we receive a dose of dopamine and feel pleasure. This is an evolutionary mechanism.
It is because of this that we may not be happy with something that has been familiar for a long time. For example, once loved films, but watched a hundred times. Or long-studied walking routes. Or scenarios in relationships that we repeat mechanically.
Therefore, you should not try to reproduce, for example, the atmosphere of last yearâs magical date. There will be no old emotions – the brain wants novelty. It’s worth experimenting all the time. That is, offering fresh options for how to spend time on weekends, going for walks in new areas. Or try cycling instead of walking.
You definitely wonât like some of the innovations. But some of them will become loved and familiar. In the meantime, you are trying something unfamiliar, you will probably get to know each other better. This process will not stop, because both of you are constantly changing. And your relationships will transform along with you.
Try it on your relationship đ