What is a relationship contract and why is it needed?
A relationship contract is an agreement about how your interactions will develop now and in the future if circumstances change. This is what is also commonly called “voicing important things with words through the mouth” or “deciding on the shore.” A contract helps build a more trusting and understandable relationship because you know what to expect.
Although in fact, a kind of relationship contract exists, even if you haven’t discussed anything. It is formed by social stereotypes. For example, it is believed that partners will be faithful to each other, the woman is responsible for everyday life, the man is responsible for earnings, when a child is born, the spouse will go on leave to care for him, the children in the event of a divorce will remain with her… You can easily continue this series.
However, people are different, and not everyone is willing to support default rules. For example, in a man’s family, his mother worked all her life and took care of the household. And my father occasionally changed light bulbs and went fishing every weekend. In his picture of the world this is natural and normal. But my partner grew up in different conditions and this is strange for her. At the same time, she comes from a large family and thinks that she will give birth more than once or twice. It doesn’t even occur to our heroine that someone might not want this.
A relationship contract helps you communicate expectations and values, find out if they match, and determine what laws your couple will live by.
How to draw up a relationship contract
Of course, this does not mean a document with seals certified by a notary. Although if the spirit of Sheldon Cooper is strong in you, you can draw up agreements on paper. It’s more about sitting down and talking through the important points. Moreover, this does not have to be one detailed conversation. This can be done sequentially.
Each couple will have to decide for themselves what to negotiate. Because everyone has their own sensitive topics. But there are a few universal issues that are worth discussing. Some will be hypothetical in nature because the event itself may or may not happen. But it is still important to discuss them in advance so that there are no unpleasant surprises later.
- What are your long-term plans for life and how do they coincide? Where do you want to live? What to achieve?
- What will your budget be? How will you manage finances, do home accounting, and so on?
- How much time would you like to spend together?
- What happens if one of the partners loses their job?
- How are household responsibilities distributed in your couple?
- How will you try to resolve controversial issues?
- Is your relationship exclusive or does it allow for outside relationships?
- What does cheating mean to you – sex, a romantic relationship, correspondence, active liking of someone attractive?
- Do you want children? How much and when?
- If you both want children, but it turns out that one of the partners cannot have a child, what will you do?
- Who will go on parental leave? Who will go to the doctor with him, interact with school and kindergarten? How will responsibilities be shared?
- In the event of a divorce, who will the child stay with and how will his interaction with the other parent be structured?
The list goes on. But it is important that at the end of the discussion you come to some conclusion. For example, that you are in a monogamous relationship, maintain a separate budget, but discuss large expenses; the partner can easily take off on a weekend with friends, but will warn about this a few days in advance so that the other can make his plans; While you are in the city, you would like to spend your old age in the countryside.
Does the relationship contract guarantee compliance with agreements?
Of course not, because relationships are complicated things. For example, a couple can agree that if one of the partners falls in love with someone else, he will be honest about it, and together you will think about what to do next. In fact, a person may feel ashamed and scared. He will hide his feelings until the last moment, they will turn into an outside relationship. It will be too late to decide something together, because trust has been undermined.
So a relationship contract simplifies life, but does not guarantee that everything will be easy and cloudless.
Is it possible to renegotiate a relationship contract?
Life is long, circumstances can change. Therefore, it is worth periodically returning to key issues and discussing them again. Ideally, set a time frame for when you do this. But if you feel that something important has changed, you can do it at any time.
How to build harmonious relationships 👩❤️👨