Some relationships are not worth your effort. And that’s why

The publishing house “MYTH” published the book “Toxic words. How to protect yourself from words that hurt and defend yourself without feeling guilty” This is a Korean bestseller from Kim Oksim, an expert on healthy communication culture. We are publishing the 10th chapter from the book, where Kim talks about relationships that went wrong or didn’t work out from the very beginning.

Sadness is the main emotion I experience if my relationship with someone is not going well. I am dissatisfied, so I get upset, or even begin to feel disappointed. Thinking about what my sadness was connected with, I realized: it was all about unfulfilled hopes for intimacy and understanding.

According to social exchange theory, interactions between people are based on maximizing rewards while minimizing costs.

Time, help and emotional involvement are your investments in another person. The information, interest, affection, reciprocal support and sense of satisfaction you get from him are rewards. As a result, both parties find the relationship satisfactory and maintain a relationship in which the benefits are proportional to the investment.

If there is an obvious imbalance of investment and reward, the relationship will no longer satisfy the participants and may collapse. It is especially difficult to maintain connections with friends, colleagues and acquaintances if you have to invest a lot, but the return is insignificant. Moreover, with these people, unlike family members, we are not connected by blood ties. When mutual exchange does not work out, we become upset, and then dissatisfaction arises.

I will share an example from life. “It seemed to me that we were real friends. We shared everything that happened to us, congratulated each other on something good and consoled each other in difficult times. We both have busy schedules, so it didn’t seem to matter to me who calls whom more often, but the further it went, the more upset I became. Is it right to continue a relationship if I always text and call first? I wanted to discuss this, but I’m afraid to seem petty. However, I can’t reconcile – it hurts too much in my soul. I think that we have a trusting relationship, and my friend, apparently, does not consider our friendship serious. I’ve always been sincere, but obviously it’s different for her, which really upsets me.”

Each of us finds ourselves in a similar situation at least once in our lives.

In this case, ask yourself: “Does the relationship with this person look like it will last a lifetime?”

If the answer is yes, then this is really important to you. This means you need to talk openly about how you feel now and listen to the other side. However, if the answer is no, don’t be upset or sorry that someone doesn’t understand your feelings. In the book “Reconciling Oh Eunyoung,” Dr. Oh Eunyoung, explaining the criteria for a strong relationship, writes: “You need to share deep feelings with people close to you. If we imagine relationships in the form of concentric circles with “I” in the middle, then those who are especially dear to us will be closer to the center, and less important and not close people at all will be further from it. And we interact with each of them differently. To those who are close to me, I should give more love and attention.”

With people who are far from the “I” standing in the center, it is enough to simply maintain a certain distance. If someone does not write or call you first, it means that this person is not interested in you. If he always doesn’t have time, it means he has no desire to devote this time to you. If he doesn’t always keep his promises, then your relationship is not on his list of priorities. The more such relationships in your life, the more you invest in them and the more serious the mental wounds. Trying to maintain depth and warmth in your interactions with everyone you know can be frustrating. If your priorities aren’t aligned, if you’re not equally important to each other, it’s hard to keep that connection healthy.

Although the desire to spend time and get close to someone belongs to you, that person’s heart belongs to them.

Unfortunately, we must admit that there are relationships with which nothing can be done, despite all efforts. As they say, everything has its time. Today you crave the attention of a person who is always not interested in you, but then it turns out that this was a fleeting acquaintance for one season. So is it worth continuing if you invest more and more and get crumbs? It’s better to focus on relationships with people who are always happy to see you, who are ready to give you time and lend a shoulder in difficult days.

The book “Toxic Words” will be useful to those who are offended by other people’s remarks and tactless communication. It will help you isolate yourself from the negativity of others and teach you to defend your opinion and boundaries. From it you will learn why you can’t be good to everyone, why asking directly is useful, and refusing is normal, and other interesting things.

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