Almost everyone likes to feel bright positive emotions: joy, delight, inspiration. But most people try to avoid strong negative feelings – hardly anyone likes anxiety and uncertainty.
But both at the very beginning of a relationship and later, situations often arise when you have to experience the stress of uncertainty. Perhaps having “thick skin” will help you in such cases. This can be called the skill of a lighter attitude towards stress, which occurs when the prospects are not clear.
How fear of stress harms relationships
Sometimes relationships don’t work out not because people aren’t right for each other. Psychotherapist Joanna Hardis asserts, that almost the main obstacle, in her opinion, on the path to mutual understanding is the desire to receive guarantees that everything will be fine in the relationship. Associated with it is the fear of any uncertainty, because it can cause pain. Hardis calls this condition stress intolerance.
This is how this feature manifests itself in relationships. A person can be sincerely sure that he is unlucky in love. For no particular reason, just bad luck – that’s all. Meeting new partners does not develop into warm relationships and strong connections, but for some reason they fall apart.
But I still want to meet love. The person continues to look for candidates for life partners and go on dates. Moreover, each new meeting seems to him almost the most important in his life.
Starting from the very first date, he passionately asks a potential partner about his attitude towards having children and family roles. He tries to find out in detail what didn’t suit him about his former lovers. How could it be otherwise, because it’s worth not repeating their mistakes. Every minute he evaluates whether he managed to make an impression. And then he tries to draw conclusions about whether he can hope for a long and happy relationship with someone he barely knows.
After a date, a person waits for messages in the messenger or calls. If they are not there or they write to him less than he would like, he begins to show activity, sometimes excessive. After all, he needs to find out what the potential partner thinks about the future of their couple. You also need to immediately schedule the next date and make sure that he doesn’t forget about the meeting. But it’s better to play it safe and remind them again – before the date itself.
This is a slightly exaggerated picture. But situations often arise in life when one of the partners tries too persistently to please the other and get confirmation that his efforts are not in vain. As a result, the second person may not be able to withstand such pressure. The one who has already been appointed as a contender for the role of the love of his life begins to withdraw from communication. Or he even directly states a short time after meeting: “Sorry, but it’s too difficult with you.” Or: “Sorry, but it seems to me that there are too many of you in my life.”
Sad result. But it was caused by the fact that the first one could not overcome his anxiety. The stress of uncertainty seemed unbearable to him. And he really wanted stability and at least some guarantees that everything would be fine. But it is rarely possible to achieve complete predictability in a relationship, and not only at the dating stage. In such cases, you may need “thick skin”—the ability to deal with stress more easily.
How to learn to cope with stress more easily
Advice “not to worry and put all problems out of your head” is unlikely to work. Trying to “eat away” stress or drown out feelings with alcohol will not help either. Joanna Harris advises to remember that no one likes to worry about a lack of self-confidence and not knowing how the relationship will develop. And if you’re suffering from the stress of uncertainty, you’re not alone. Here’s how to learn to endure it with less emotional loss – that is, to grow that very “thick skin.”
1. Check what causes stress – facts or your imagination
Sometimes reality does not at all correspond to disturbing fantasies. For example, you had a date with a new acquaintance. But you broke up yesterday, and for some reason he doesn’t write today. You may think you did something wrong and disappointed him. And that he doesn’t want to see you anymore. Or maybe he managed to forget about you altogether.
Ask yourself what is fact and what is speculation in this situation. And you will see that there is only one fact: the person does not write to you for several hours. There can be many reasons for this. Perhaps he has a lot to do today. Or he just doesn’t like text messages. Maybe he needs time to decide how often he would like to see you. Promise yourself to react no earlier than the next indisputable fact becomes known to you.
Well, if you see that a new acquaintance really doesn’t make a single attempt to contact you, it’s worth reminding yourself. But do not reproach your partner for silence and do not talk about your suffering alone. Just offer, for example, to meet on the weekend and take a walk in the park. After receiving his answer, you will decide how to build the relationship further.
2. Think about what you would like to change in your behavior.
To do this, it’s worth remembering what actions you took that made you feel uncomfortable on a date. It’s yours, not your partner’s.
For example, you did not agree with some of the thoughts expressed by a new acquaintance, but did not dare to argue with him, so as not to spoil the relationship at the very beginning. Remembering your state, you may find that it was unpleasant for you to silently nod your head.
Harmonious relationships are possible if each person acts as he sees fit, and does not try first of all to please the other. So allow yourself to change your behavior a little next time. Promise not to be afraid to express a different point of view. And practice discussing with respect for both yourself and him.
Once you have mastered the first skill, think about what next step you would like and could take to change your habitual behavior.
3. If disturbing emotions appear, postpone actions for at least half an hour
Let’s say it seems to you that your partner has forgotten about you and will never remember you. You are upset, you want to urgently write to him and get an immediate response.
Don’t pick up your smartphone. Promise to return to him in 30 minutes. In the meantime, do something else. It will be great if you spend this time moving. For example, decide to wash the dishes, dust, or walk to the store.
After half an hour, your emotions may change. Even if you decide to send a message to your partner, it may turn out to be much more calm and measured.
4. Learn to overcome anxiety in simple situations first.
For example, do not open the messenger as soon as you wake up – this can be done after breakfast. Do not rush to your smartphone immediately if you are busy with something and suddenly a message signal sounds. If you need to finish a task, concentrate on it. A delay of a few minutes is unlikely to be critical.
No, such behavior will not at all demonstrate to others your callousness and inattention. But it will show you: it is not at all necessary to react to any event immediately. If necessary, you can always take a short break to calm down. Both in simple situations and under severe stress.
New skills will help you not only in romantic relationships. Perhaps you will stop being afraid of the stress of uncertainty because you will remember that you have already managed to cope with it successfully. This will help you act more confidently in other difficult life situations.
This may be useful 👩❤️👨
