How to experience grief correctly and how not: says a psychologist

Today, coping with the loss of loved ones is more difficult than ever. About a century ago, death was much more visible: people wore long mourning for the dead, the coffin with the deceased was transported around the city in an open carriage, and it was customary to prepare for one’s departure in advance. Surely many remember how grandparents collected their clothes.

Modern culture is built on hushing up the topic of death: it either remains behind closed doors or looks deliberately artificial on the movie screen. Under these conditions, even the expected loss of a loved one takes you by surprise: it is not clear what to do with your own grief. In this article we will try to understand the basic “rules” of grief: how to survive a loss with the least damage and find the strength to move on.

What happens to a bereaved person?

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of loved ones. However, identical symptoms can also appear during other life events – for example, the loss of a limb, forced emigration, retirement, career destruction, divorce. That is, in all cases when we lose some part of our identity and are forced to rebuild it.

People experiencing loss may experience intense anger, guilt, sadness, and sadness, alternating with emotional numbness. Contrary to popular beliefs about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), emotions can alternate in any order and with any frequency, overlapping each other.

And there is no one correct route for experiencing loss.

For most people, the acute stage of grief lasts about six months, and the entire process is completed on average in two years. At the same time, the timing may be different – and this is also normal.

Sometimes the symptoms of grief can resemble depression. And drawing the line between these states is not easy. An important difference is that grief tends to come in waves, and emotions can change in contrasting ways.

With depression, negative mood is more stable. In addition, people who are grieving may well maintain a positive assessment of themselves. With depression, in most cases, she suffers.

How to grieve properly

In psychology there is a term “grief work.” It means that living the situation usually goes as usual. And even if you don’t do anything on purpose, at some point the grief phase will end and a new stage of life will begin.

Don’t try to suppress your emotions

It is common for those grieving to experience emotional waves: sometimes it may seem that everything is almost normal, and sometimes the pain is worse than ever. At such moments, there may be a desire to be distracted, to forbid oneself to feel, to somehow block one’s emotions. Some people binge watch TV series to do this, some use alcohol, and some work until exhaustion.

This may feel like a relief in the moment, but in the long run it only makes the situation worse.

The emotions we try to make disappear come back and become even more unbearable. To survive them and leave them behind, you must, unfortunately, face them.

So try the following:

• Try to reduce the load, because emotions take away strength. At least in the first months after the loss, try not to take on additional work tasks, do not change your life dramatically, and leave more time for rest.
• If you feel like crying, cry. People often fear that if they start doing this, the tears will never stop. But that’s not true. Emotions are never constant, and everything will end.
• Try to find your own way to express grief – because there is no one universal option. Some people will want to get out of town and wander through the fields alone, some will want to light candles and listen to sad music, and some will want to pray or talk with friends. Either make a photo collage or spend time in a cemetery.

Get rid of guilt

After a loss, in addition to grief and melancholy, people may experience guilt, shame, and self-hatred. They can be caused by obsessive thoughts about things not done, about mistakes made, about missed opportunities and insufficient efforts. These thoughts may have little connection with reality, but at the moment they seem infinitely convincing. Here’s what you can do in such cases.

Try to write down all the thoughts that are somehow related to self-flagellation. For example: “I was not a loving enough husband,” “I should have sent her to the doctor earlier,” and so on. Next to each, indicate the emotions that it evokes. In the next column, note what sensations arise in your body at the moment this thought appears. And finally, in the last column, what you usually want to do when it arises. You can fill the columns gradually.

As a result, you will end up with a table that will look something like this:

With this chart, you will learn to notice blaming and critical thoughts. If you manage to capture them as they occur, remind yourself that this is not an absolute truth by default, but one of the very common symptoms of grief.

Almost all bereaved people feel guilty and angry about how they behaved in the past. And if the appearance of these thoughts says anything, it is only that right now it is very important to show kindness and compassion to yourself.

Don’t refuse support

Communication with loved ones is very important for grieving people. Don’t be shy about asking for help: You may find it difficult to cope with daily activities, work and life in general. Friends and family members can not only relieve your life a little, but also make you feel that you are not alone.

The same applies to support: sometimes it can simply be communication on everyday topics, and sometimes it makes sense to ask for a hug, say something warm, or be nearby. Psychotherapy for grief is not necessary because it is not a disorder, but a natural process. But it can help with accepting emotions, dealing with self-criticism, and making sense of your experiences.

Keep your usual schedule

As much as possible, of course. Try not to give up sports and stick to your previous diet. Continue to take care of yourself, walk the dog, and don’t give up socializing. All of these things help keep you in touch with the present moment, bring a sense of comfort and calm you down.

What not to do

There are some things that are likely to make things worse.

Don’t suppress emotions, don’t devalue them

Don’t tell yourself that they are wrong and you should feel differently. For example, to yearn more or less. Firstly, this will not help replace some emotions with others that are more “appropriate”. And secondly, this will only add to your unpleasant experiences.

Don’t rush yourself and don’t set “deadlines” for getting rid of grief. It won’t work anyway: everyone goes through it at their own pace. The expectations you set are likely to not come true and will lead to guilt or anger at yourself.

Don’t isolate yourself from other people

Alone time is important, but it shouldn’t take up all your time. When experiencing grief, it is important to feel social: communicate with loved ones, go to the office, even just sit in a cafe.

Avoiding people can easily become a habit that keeps you stuck in the past—thinking about your loss.

At the same time, communication will allow you to gradually rebuild your life. In addition, we are social creatures and we need the support of others in order to feel better – even if it may not seem so in the moment.

Don’t make life-changing decisions in the early stages of grief.

They will begin to look less clear-cut after the emotional wave subsides. If you think you understand how you should radically change your life right now, it’s best to write it down so you don’t forget, and put it aside for a couple of months. Until the moment when the emotional intensity decreases.

Don’t avoid joyful activities

And don’t panic if they aren’t as fun as they used to be. After a loss, people often give up what they liked before: some people think it’s unfair after what happened. And some people simply don’t see the point in this, because the action doesn’t evoke the same emotions as before.

But this won’t make anyone feel better in the end. But positive emotions give strength to cope with grief and help to live in the present, and not in the past.

It’s okay if it seems that your favorite hobbies won’t bring you joy: even in this case, it’s worth trying to do them. And if it is at least “normal” or “a little good”, this is already a positive result. But even in its absence, it makes sense to praise yourself for trying.

What’s the result?

Emotions have several important functions. They make us understand what is happening to us and help us communicate something important to others. And they also prepare us for action. Fear puts the body in optimal condition to save itself from a threat, and anger puts it in the best shape to fight for what is important to us.

Grief also has this function. When experiencing it, you usually want to freeze, hide, and isolate yourself from others. This is necessary in order to regroup: to find a way to think differently about yourself, to live in a new context – without someone who was an important part of life before. As a result, we emerge from grief a little different, with a new vision of how to move forward with our lives.

What to read on the topic

1. “Let’s talk about loss. You’re hurting and that’s okay.” Megan Devine.
2. “Looking into the sun. Life without fear of death, Irvin Yalom.
3. “Death in the City”, Maria Ramzaeva, Elena Foer.
4. “Miss you. How to survive the pain of separation, restore relationships or let go,” Ilse Sand.