Many of us live with regret. We may not even admit it to ourselves, but everyone has some moment in the past that they would like to change: not to tease that same classmate, to confess their love to that same girl, to choose that same creative one rather than the “safe” one. work. At the same time, we rarely consider this universal feeling and do not think about how regret can benefit us.
It is impossible to change the past, so regretting something may seem pointless and selfish. But this emotion can reveal the discrepancy between who we are and who we want to be. And suggest how we should change.
Where does regret come from?
Regret has three facets. Firstly, this is an unpleasant feeling. Secondly, it is based on the idea that everything could be better. Third, the thoughts associated with it focus on our actions. In other words, if we feel bad after acing an interview but not getting the job, it’s not a regret. But if we feel bad because we stayed up late playing video games and slept through an interview, this could be it.
Most often regrets concern career and personal life. By age 60 and 70, people also begin to feel sad about things related to health and family, while regrets about romantic relationships can occur at any age. At the same time, we lament more about what we didn’t do than about what we did. Our memory is designed to remind us of uncompleted tasks rather than items crossed off our to-do list, meaning we remember goals we didn’t achieve longer.
Another factor is how we think about the path we didn’t take. At such moments, we present a rosy picture, losing sight of everyday details and inevitable disappointments. It is much more difficult to regret what we have done because our choices have already led to some consequences. In this case, we can still find positive aspects, which is impossible when we are talking about what we did not do.
For example, it is easy to regret a whirlwind romance that never took place in youth, because it did not leave memories of quarrels and a broken heart. And it is much more difficult to think about an unhappy marriage if beautiful children were also born in it.
How to turn regrets to your advantage
Add context
If you want to deal with your regrets, first, you need to be kind to yourself, and second, be realistic. Having some knowledge, it is easy to imagine that once upon a time it was possible to do things differently. But then there was no experience that we have now.
When you are 40, have children and a mortgage, you may be haunted by the question of why you didn’t live happily for a while after graduating from college. But if you really remember yourself at that moment, with a diploma in your hands and the need to look for a job, then you will immediately remember all the responsibilities that your environment placed on you and the stress that you experienced.
In addition, it is important to place your emotions in a sociocultural context. In some communities, personal choice and responsibility are highly valued, so any trouble in life is perceived as a disaster for which the person himself is to blame. In others, on the contrary, the collective is higher than the individual and established traditions help relieve some of the pressure associated with finding your own special path. All this also affects what we do and what we don’t do.
Confess your regrets
This can be difficult. Society often forces us to have a positive outlook on the world. Therefore, we tend to think that the secret to a good life is to always remain positive, never be negative, look forward and never look back.
But each of us regrets something in our lives. And although we think we shouldn’t talk about it out loud, try starting a conversation with someone close to you. You’ll probably find that other people have regrets they’d like to share. It will be a little easier to figure everything out together.
Find new meaning in regrets
They can tell us how to live and give answers to important questions. For example, how much does our life coincide with our values and what do we want to change in our behavior in the time we have left. When we analyze what we regret and why, it helps us think more clearly, solve current problems more quickly, and better understand the meaning of life. Some people ignore regrets, others get depressed because of them, but what you need to do is face them and use them as a source of new information.
Imagine that you are 60 years old and you are sad because you stayed in a boring job instead of starting your own business. First of all, you should not despise your younger self, but treat yourself with kindness and curiosity. Then you need to add context and remember why you didn’t leave that job and what pressure and uncertainty you had to face then. It’s important to keep in mind that those choices are only a small part of who you are. You’ve probably made other decisions that you’re proud of. Think about them.
The next step is analysis. What can you learn about yourself from this regret? For 60-year-old you, the lesson may be that as you get older, you come to value courage and risk-taking more. This knowledge can motivate you to make changes—for example, you might want to find a creative part-time job or become a mentor for young colleagues.
The point is that you look back to move forward. You don’t have the ability to undo what you’ve done, but you can use that negative feeling as a signal of what you value now and as a North Star to guide you for the rest of your life.
Give yourself time and don’t beat yourself up
Dealing with your own regrets often feels painful and scary. After all, if we admit that we would like to do things differently, then we also admit our shortcomings. But if we free ourselves from the mindset that we need to avoid regrets and that we can either be a success or a failure and nothing else, we can lead thoughtful and intentional lives based on a deeper understanding of our own values and strengths.
It’s never too late to learn from your mistakes to become the person you want to be. If you regret not learning English at school, start doing it now. If you worked late at work when your children were little, talk to them about how to build closer relationships now.
Admitting that we regret something means showing our vulnerability. But this is the best way to avoid even greater regrets in the future.
What else can help? 🧐