Imagine that in the middle of a busy workday, your best friend calls you and tells you that he has just received a promotion, which comes with a significant increase in salary. You are happy for him, but there is another feeling lurking inside – envy. After all, you’ve been working hard for years, but you don’t even get a bonus, although in the current financial situation it would be very useful to you. It would seem that you should be happy and wholeheartedly share with your friend his success. But instead you become angry and resentful, and therefore consider yourself a bad friend.
Do not worry. Psychologists say that this is a completely normal reaction. Don’t blame yourself for feeling jealous. You just need to know that it can be different.
What types of envy exist?
Envy is often confused with jealousy, but they are not the same thing.
Jealousy occurs when we already have something important and valuable and we are afraid that it will be taken away from us. It usually comes from the fear that we can be replaced. We get jealous when our partner flirts with someone else or when our parents pay more attention to a sibling.
Envy is a painful emotion we experience when we want something that someone else has. It originates in our desires, not in our fears. Jealousy is outward-oriented and revolves around attention from others. Envy lives within us and includes the desire to gain another person’s property or to be in their situation.
We are accustomed to considering envy a bad emotion – after all, in Christianity it is considered a mortal sin. But modern psychologists do not agree with this. In one small study, scientists found outthat we can experience two types of envy: malignant, or black, and benign, or white.
1. White envy
Benign envy is rooted in a sense of personal security and self-confidence. With this type, we obsess over what others have and how they got it. When we envy “in white”, we can feel inspired to change ourselves and our lives for the better. We may be jealous of a friend’s success, but use our feelings as motivation to try harder to achieve our own goals.
White envy allows us to understand that the victories of other people do not negate our own merits. That’s why it becomes a source of motivation: when we see our friend conquer new heights, we feel a surge of energy rather than the bitterness of defeat and can be sincerely happy for him.
2. Black envy
Malignant envy is based on self-doubt and occurs when someone else’s success makes us angry. When we envy “in black”, we don’t just want to get something that someone else has. We believe that a person deserves what he has, not as much as we deserve it. This type of envy can lead to feelings of resentment and resentment, and even to the point of wanting the other person to fail.
Black envy makes us feel unhappy and believe that the achievements of others overshadow our own. If our envy comes from a place of self-doubt, we perceive the other person’s victories as a threat and may begin to sabotage their successes, belittle them, and seek to “destroy” them morally.
Such feelings not only poison friendships, but also prevent us from reaching our potential. Unlike white envy, which motivates change, black envy prevents us from moving forward and directs all our energy to useless anger.
What to do if a friend is jealous of you
In such a situation, the first instinctive impulse may be to write off the person as a “bad friend.” Instead, try to remember a time when you were jealous of him. This can be a serious test of empathy. But if your friend somehow helped you on the path to success, thank him, share his experiences and express the hope that someday he too will fulfill his desires.
However, don’t let envy stop you from enjoying your victories. If a friend is constantly trying to belittle your accomplishments, it’s worth considering whether you need this kind of relationship. You don’t have to deal with the emotions of others and hide your successes just to avoid hurting anyone.
What to do if you are jealous of a friend
It’s normal to be jealous of your friends from time to time, especially if you’re going through a difficult time. The most important thing is to understand that their successes have nothing to do with yours. When you obsess over envy, you waste energy and attention that could be spent on achieving your goals. In addition, you remain in a negative environment that extinguishes any creativity, optimism and determination.
Compare your life circumstances with your friend’s. This way you will put his success in a certain context and get rid of the feeling of inferiority. Think about what factors brought him to where he is today. Is this the result of luck or long hard work? Maybe he had access to resources that you don’t? Or maybe you and he are simply at different stages of your life and career?
When you feel envy awakening inside, try to focus on the love, admiration and other pleasant emotions that your friend evokes in you. Use them to celebrate his successes with him. Remember that situations where the winner truly takes all are very rare. You have limitless potential of your own, so be happy for your friend and get back to working on making your dreams a reality.
What will help strengthen friendship 🧐
