Financial dependence: stories of women who have encountered it

Economic, or financial, violence is a type of domestic violence that is not always immediately recognizable. For example, it may often seem that a partner or parent “knows better how to handle money” and therefore limits access to it. But in fact, all of this is a manifestation of economic abuse, the purpose of which is to gain power over a person. We tell the stories of girls who faced such violence.

“You have no right to choose here”

Sveta (name changed at the request of the heroine)

In my childhood, I was economically abused by my father. The first memory associated with this is that when I was seven years old, my relatives gave me money for my birthday. My father took them and ended up buying something for himself. He argued this by saying that he is an adult and knows better what to spend the money on. And I’m a child – I’ll buy useless garbage. In early childhood, I did not understand what was wrong here. I thought that this behavior of my father was the norm, because he really is an adult who knows and understands everything.

But the older I got, the more moments of financial abuse I noticed. He never took my opinion into account. He often uttered phrases like: “I buy food, which means I decide what you will eat,” “You have no right to choose here,” or “You live in my apartment, which means you live by my rules and do what I say.” . With the help of money, he tried to make choices for me and control what I should wear, how I should look, what I should do, what classes I should attend, and so on. It was difficult for me to resist. Then it seemed that my father was certainly right – he was earning money, but I was not. This means that he has the power and the right to decide, but I do not.

I tried not to ask him for money and, whenever possible, took it from my mother. But sometimes I still had to turn to my father. One day, when I was fourteen, I needed to buy groceries for home to cook something. Mom then went on a business trip to another city, so I had to ask my father. He gave me a thousand. I went grocery shopping and prepared food for the two of us.

After some time, he came into my room with the phrase: “Make me some soup.” Without “please” and without asking if I can do this now or if I have time. Considering that I had just prepared food and still had homework to do for tomorrow’s classes, I tried to refuse. But I heard: “You either cook or return the money I gave you.” But the most unpleasant thing in this situation is not that I had to go and cook soup.

My father often manipulated with money and liked to reproach me for having to spend money on me. I never begged him for expensive gifts, I didn’t ask him to take me somewhere, etc. But he himself could buy me something, and then spend several more months reproaching me with how much he spends on me. Or he set conditions: “I bought you new clothes, so now you owe me…”

Usually “should” concerned everyday issues. For example, he needed me to suddenly drop everything I was doing and clean his office right now. Despite the fact that he was not busy with anything. Or he could order me to wash the dishes for him, although we have an agreement in our family – everyone washes their own dishes.

At every opportunity, he complained that he had to support me and that because of this he had no money left. Although he still had money, he simply drank it away. Whether it was a meeting with relatives or an evening with his friends, he mentioned how much he spent and on what. Even if he gave me branded sneakers a year ago, I definitely had to complain about it.

There were often situations related to disrespect for my work. For example, I just washed the floor, and he walks through the apartment in his shoes because he forgot his keys in the room. But to my requests to take off his shoes, he answered something like: “This is my apartment, and you live in it for my money. Wash it again, no big deal.”

At the age of fifteen I started working part-time. I wanted to buy myself a new phone and just have my own finances. And she put the money she earned in the nightstand next to the bed, counting it periodically. Once I was missing a couple thousand and was a little surprised. I asked my parents if they knew where this money could have gone – at that time it was a significant amount for me. It turned out that my father pulled them out without telling me anything. And when I asked him why he didn’t ask before taking it, he replied: “I thought you wouldn’t notice.” And he laughed. He later returned everything, but, it seems to me, only because I noticed and asked.

This continued until I was seventeen. Then I went to another city to study. And even when I was choosing which specialty I wanted to enter, my father tried to manipulate the money: “I’ve been supporting you all these years, it’s up to me to decide.” He wanted me to enter a technical university, and I saw myself in a humanitarian profession. We quarreled a lot against this background, I tried to defend my right to choose. And in the end, he set a condition for me: if I enroll where he says, then he will help me with the move and with finances. And if not, then I leave and “survive as I want.” I chose the second option.

At first, my mother and grandmother helped me with money. And then I settled into the new city, began to combine study with work and support myself. And since then we have practically not communicated with my father.

The worst thing for me is to find myself in a situation of economic abuse again. Feel like a nobody, endure disrespect and gradually “break” under this pressure. This experience made me understand that being financially independent means being free and happy. And no one should choose for me and control my every step.

“I had to defend the purchase of some products and ask permission”

Christina (name changed at the request of the heroine)

Kirill (name changed) and I met eight years ago in the VKontakte group. We agreed to meet and take a walk, and that’s how our communication began. I was eighteen years old then, he was twenty-two years old.

At first, Kirill was attentive and loving, constantly giving compliments. He had well-spoken, literate speech and created the impression of an intelligent and sensible young man. And in addition to this, I learned that he is from a complete, prosperous family. Therefore, I had no idea that anything could go wrong.

Kirill and I began to actively communicate and spend a lot of time together. And I liked that he often talked about serious intentions and that he wanted to start a family. I wanted this too. And after a month of communication, he asked me to meet.

A month later I moved to live with Kirill. And jealousy suddenly appeared on his part. I had to suddenly change my entire social circle and focus only on him, always be close to him. He didn’t understand what “hanging out with friends” could be like if he was there.

He forbade me to communicate with the opposite sex. If an acquaintance or friend wrote to me: “Hello, how are you?”, this immediately caused aggression and anger in Kirill.

It often happened that he would answer them from my account in a rude manner, sending them in three letters. So gradually my circle of contacts narrowed and eventually became minimal.

And after that, complaints started pouring in from Kirill: my music is bad, I have no taste, I watch stupid films, and so on. I had to always choose the same thing as him. And all my interests were condemned and devalued. Soon Kirill and I began to quarrel over this. I tried to resist and defend my interests. And I didn’t understand why, living with my loved one, I should limit myself.

And then economic violence began. It manifested itself in the fact that Kirill took my cards and completely controlled our finances. He loved to be in control, he loved the feeling of power. In stores, I had to defend the purchase of certain products: argue what it was for and why. And ask permission if I wanted to take something. But then I thought that Kirill was a reliable person who knew how to manage money wisely. So it seemed like everything was fine.

After two years of living together, we got married, and I often began to hear from Kirill the phrase “You spend all your money all the time.” We lived separately then – he went to work in the north, and I stayed in the city to finish my studies. For the most part, he provided for me and constantly insisted that he could not gain anything for himself because of me. Despite the fact that he had everything, he was not disadvantaged. But he liked to put himself in the position of a victim: “Look, I sacrifice everything for you, and you are ungrateful.”

Kirill also often said that he wants to save money, but I don’t let him do this, because he has to spend everything on me.

He tried to control me about food. One day he bought beef, which I didn’t eat then. And I told Kirill about this. And in response he started shouting: “Don’t you want to eat beef? Yes, many people dream of eating like this, but you’re totally greedy.” I said that I didn’t want to, but he didn’t care: “You will eat beef, because I bought it for you.” And he also constantly counted how much I ate, and often said: “It’s a lot.”

After another two and a half years, our child was born. Kirill did not participate in his upbringing in any way and did not help me. There were moments when the child cried, and Kirill covered his mouth with his hands. I could argue with him because of this, and sometimes we would get into physical fights.

We began to argue very often, and he always made me feel guilty. He said that the problem was me, but he never took responsibility. He called me “hysterical” and “abnormal.” And one day, with such phrases, he “broke me” so much that I went into the bath and wanted to open my veins. I got into the bath with my clothes on. I opened the water tap and began to pray and think: “God, give me the strength to get out of this. I feel so bad”. Kirill at that moment did not try to calm me down. He just shouted: “Fool, what do you want to do to yourself? Who will need your child later?

About six months later, I began to suspect Kirill of cheating. He became indifferent to me and my problems, he was constantly on the negative. And he didn’t get enough sleep, although he went to bed at eleven in the evening and got up at seven in the morning. Then I asked what was happening. He didn’t admit it right away, but through social networks I found out that he took a mistress and corresponded with her at night. He didn’t want to resolve any issues because his love for me had cooled. And another woman appeared with whom he cheated on me.

The last point was when our child cried all night, and because of this we did not sleep.

I stopped him, we had a big fight. And after this incident, I called my friend and asked her to come get me. She arrived, we packed our things and left.

The breakup was gradual over two months. I needed time to realize and accept that Kirill no longer loves me. And then the phrases came from him: “I don’t know what to do anymore to make you leave me,” “I’m tired of you, leave me alone.”

I had nowhere to go with my small child, who was eight months old at that time. Kirill said: “Don’t worry, I won’t let you starve to death” – and transferred 200 thousand to my card. I cried from fear and hopelessness. And yet she left. He didn’t know where I would go or how I would live. He didn’t care.

After the separation, the child and I lived with Kirill’s parents for four months. A couple of months later he rented an apartment for me and still pays alimony. But his parents force him to do it. In his opinion, he owes me nothing.

I don’t have any good association with him, despite the fact that we lived together for five and a half years. During this relationship and even after it ended, I felt like a squeezed lemon. And I regret that I endured all this time and did not leave immediately as soon as I noticed the first warning signs. It always seems to us that a person will change, but in reality this almost never happens.

Now I am remarried and have a second child. Since then, I began to defend my boundaries and interests more, and do not allow manipulation of myself.