Setting boundaries can be very difficult, especially when it comes to people close to you. Nedra Tawwab, Licensed Therapist and Author bestseller Set Boundaries, Find Peace of Mind, dedicated her new book, Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships, to this issue. In it, the author helps readers understand the most common type of dysfunctional relationship – those that connect us with our family.
According to Tavvab’s observations, many of those who have “everything complicated” with their relatives want to find a way to keep them in their lives. At the same time, she emphasizes: there is no need to hope that a loved one will understand everything himself and change. Instead, try different approaches and tactics and see how they make a difference.
Of course, if communication becomes too exhausting and unsafe, it’s time to cut off any ties. But before you take that big step, Tawwab suggests answering six questions.
1. Do I feel like I am in danger around this person?
This is a matter of not only physical, but also emotional and psychological safety. Think about it: would you entrust your child to this family member? Would he be a good example? Have you noticed signs of abuse in your relationship?
Safety is one of the most important factors to consider.
Physical violence is the most compelling reason to cut off all contact if you want and are able to do so. Tawwab also highlights less obvious examples of abuse: nasty nicknames, derogatory comments, threats, constantly playing the silent game, ignoring or making fun of your feelings.
In addition, if a relative has problems with the use of psychoactive substances, which is why he often breaks down, behaves inappropriately, or brings dangerous people home, this is a serious reason to think about it. When you feel that a family member poses a threat to you, your partner, your children or your pets, you have every right to immediately cut off all contact.
If the situations described above are familiar to you, you can stop communicating forever or distance yourself for a while until you find a suitable way to protect yourself and determine the frequency of meetings that is comfortable for you. According to Tawwab, healthy boundaries provide a sense of calm even if the other person doesn’t change.
2. Is your relative being toxic or just annoying?
Imagine that you are talking about unpleasant moments of your childhood, and your brother or sister interrupts and tells you or, even worse, your family members that you are lying and this never happened. This is toxic behavior. And if he or she cuts you off mid-sentence, simply because he doesn’t know how to listen, and in general “now it’s my turn to talk,” this is a common manifestation of selfishness. This type of behavior is certainly annoying and should be discussed with your loved one, but it is not necessarily toxic.
Learning to deal with other people’s disgusting personality traits is part of life. Those we truly love sometimes drive us crazy. Try to have an honest conversation with your loved one and talk about what hurts you. And if that doesn’t help, think about how often you are willing to see him and tolerate his non-toxic but extremely annoying mannerisms.
3. Have I told my relative directly about my concerns?
The people who have been in your life since the moment you (or they) were born can be sure that they understand you like no one else. Sometimes it’s nice. For example, when your grandmother supports your creative endeavors and her faith gives you strength. However, in a family with dysfunctional dynamics, such confidence can make you feel as if you are suffocating.
Perhaps your brother or sister loves to share embarrassing stories from your childhood with everyone. Or your mom reminds you of your weight, even when you’re just looking at the cake. Or your sister-in-law thinks that she can at any time ask you to work as a nanny for free and leave you her child just because you are single and you don’t have children of your own. No matter what situation you find yourself in, if you notice a repeating pattern of behavior that you want to stop, you need to talk about it.
When we let another person know how their behavior affects us, we give them a chance to change.
The main thing is to remember that you can only control your part of the dialogue. For it to be successful, the relative must be ready to listen to you, admit that he is wrong and decide to change something. Unfortunately, in dysfunctional families, people usually don’t even want to listen to other people’s experiences, much less change. Therefore, be prepared for the fact that a relative will try to hush up the topic or turn the arrows on you.
No matter how much we would like to, we cannot change someone who refuses to at least try to become a better person. If you have already started a conversation several times about what is bothering you, but the other person does not react in any way, this is a signal that it is time to change tactics. For example, lower your expectations from communication or set clearer boundaries.
4. Have I adjusted my expectations?
According to Tawvab, we often believe that our parents are obligated to give us love and attention because they play a special role in our lives. However, many people do not know how to be attentive and sensitive not only towards others, but also towards themselves. So it’s not about you at all, it’s about them. Perhaps your relative did not receive enough love as a child or suffers from addiction and mental health problems.
If you have already admitted to yourself that a loved one is not able to give you what you want – stability, kind words, adequate communication, but you still continue to experience disappointment, this may be an argument in favor of the fact that it is time to move away from him .
5. Have I tried to distance myself from a relative without completely cutting off contact?
Let’s say your whole family gets together for dinner on Sundays and after it you are constantly overwhelmed by anger and sadness. No matter how much your aunt or your brother tries to make you feel guilty and pressure you to continue going to meetings, you have every reason to decide for yourself how many of these dinners you are willing to attend – one per month or one per year. This will give you a framework to protect your mental well-being.
Tawvab is sure that there are many ways to reduce communication without completely interrupting it. Sometimes we believe that relationships should be close just because they are family. But there are relatives whom we regularly and constantly cannot stand, and sometimes we can. All that remains is to determine the extent of this “sometimes”.
There are several ways to distance yourself and save contacts:
- Skip the next holiday meeting.
- Reduce the number of telephone conversations, for example to once a week.
- Don’t respond to every message immediately.
- Stand your ground when a relative does something you asked him not to do.
6. Am I really ready to end the relationship?
Whether or not to cut off all contact with a relative is a very personal decision. If you’ve tried all the tactics described above and feel like your patience has reached its limit, ending the relationship may seem like an inevitable step.
However, if you are constantly haunted by thoughts about what will happen if something happens to your loved one tomorrow, or the guilt inside you is stronger than the desire to protect your own feelings, this may be a sign that you are not yet ready.
We are definitely ripe to end communication when, after a thorough analysis of all factors, we are confident that this person has no place in our life.
Sometimes the distance from the family may not last long, and after a pause it is even possible to establish relationships again. However, this only happens if everyone does the hard internal work. It is very important to maintain realistic expectations and have a clear plan of action for unpleasant situations in the future. The most important thing is to be honest about the reasons why you decided to end the communication.
A psychologist will help you carry out internal work, restore relationships, or, conversely, come to terms with the final severance of family ties and understand how to avoid repeating a dysfunctional scenario outside the family.
Although there are universal reasons to stop communicating, such as physical abuse or gaslighting, everyone determines what is considered the most compelling, “correct” reason and when exactly to break family ties. What seems dangerous to one does not bother another at all. Therefore, do not look at others and do what is best for you.
Understand family relationships 👨👩👧👦
