6 near-psychological tips that irritate psychologists

Psychology has recently been popularized by leaps and bounds, and this is good. But every coin has a flip side. That’s why the Internet is full of people who give recommendations based on nothing. These characters have no education, no deep knowledge, but their videos and posts receive a lot of views.

Moreover, Internet gurus often look very expert. They speak convincingly and back up their advice with psychological terms. Moreover, these are not at all obscurantist recommendations, the only reaction to which is to chuckle skeptically and scroll further. The explanations seem quite logical. And these tips are so common that you can’t help but think: maybe it’s worth introducing these wisdom into your life?

The problem is that these recommendations not only do not help, but can also cause harm, even if they sound rational. We asked psychologists to tell us which pseudo-advice irritates them the most and why. If you see something similar on the Internet or hear something similar from someone in life, think three times before taking such words seriously.

1. “Love yourself and others will love you”

According to candidate of psychological sciences Maria Danina, this is a completely unfounded idea.

Maria Danina

Candidate of Psychological Sciences, author of the course on relationships “Understanding yourself and your partner: psychology of relationships”, founder of the online school of psychological professions “Psychodemiya”.

What promise are we hearing here? You will love yourself, and somehow this will affect your importance to other people. But a person may be adored by others while he is drowning in doubt, self-criticism, and seeking approval. Or it could be the other way around. “I’m so beautiful and wonderful, why doesn’t anyone notice this and want to love me? Look how good I am, everyone!” Nobody is looking…

At the same time, according to Danina, in no case should we diminish the importance of self-love, which really helps us build healthier and more comfortable relationships with the people around us. Accepting yourself is important. You just don’t want to put expectations on it that won’t necessarily be met. This will save you from disappointment.

2. “Think positively”

Some people believe that if you think only about good things, then you will attract good things into your life. But this is cunning: with this approach there is a risk of noticing only the positive and ignoring all the bad until the situation gets out of control.

Daria Yausheva

Clinical psychologist.

You need to listen to yourself and not avoid even the most difficult feelings. Feelings are a signaling system. They are not conditionally bad, but indicate an internal conflict. And that it’s time to ask yourself a question. If there is envy, then it’s like: “What does that person have that is important to me?” If it’s sadness, then it’s like: “What have I lost, what value?” or “What emotional need of mine is not being met right now?” And then you should look for a way to give yourself what is important.

The idea that you need to look for the positive in everything and think only about the good is now widely criticized. They even coined a term for this phenomenon: “toxic positivity.” You can read more about what it is and why it is dangerous in Lifehacker’s material.

3. “Just forget about it”

Here we have a whole echelon of similar recommendations: “Just calm down, it’s all in your head”, “Just get over it” and so on. Sometimes wounds actually heal on their own. But often healing needs help.

Vladimir Dernov

Clinical psychologist.

Emotions and problems cannot simply be forgotten. It is more about suppressing feelings, which can lead to psychological disorders in the future. Because if you don’t process emotions, they can affect your condition for a long time.

It is worth remembering that there are no bad emotions. Some of them are really unpleasant in the moment, making you feel dissatisfaction or discomfort. But all emotions, and conditionally negative ones too, are given to us for a reason. This is a reaction to what is happening around. Firstly, they allow you to understand what exactly is wrong and stop it. Secondly, they help self-regulation of our psyche. If we “just forget,” it’s like trying to repair an old pipe with a wooden chopper. It will work once, it will work twice, and then the water pipe will break and flood the entire street. To prevent this from happening, you need to learn to recognize emotions and live them.

4. “Find your calling and you will be happy”

This advice causes people to obsessively search for what will make them happy, which in the end often promises only disappointment.

Maria Danina

Instead of becoming more aware of their values ​​and accepting the inevitability of difficulties, crises and doubts, people try to find a magic pill that will turn their life into an endless festival of pleasure.

Of course, it is extremely important to do something in life that suits you. But you shouldn’t expect that you will never be disappointed in it, that it will be extremely pleasant and comfortable. The illusion is that it is precisely by these characteristics that one can determine “one’s own.”

Often a person, when faced with obstacles, prefers not to deal with the problem, but simply to get out of the situation in search of something cloudless. But nothing is cloudless. And by relying only on momentary emotions, you can lose what is truly important.

Of course, this does not mean that you have to endure something very uncomfortable to the extreme. It happens that running away is quite a way out. But if it’s the only option in any situation, it’s worth considering.

5. “You don’t need to delve into your childhood. Live the present”

This advice is often given by those who drew their knowledge about psychology from films of the 90s. It seems to such characters that during the sessions they are convinced that the parents are to blame for all problems. And then the person lives calmly, shifting responsibility. This is wrong. You need to study childhood just to take on this responsibility, and in the present.

Daria Yausheva

Childhood is the time when a person becomes an individual, when behavioral patterns emerge. During this period, the vision of the world and attitude towards oneself are formed; traumas may arise that make themselves felt at a later age.

And today psychotherapists work successfully with this. The present in many ways is the experience of the past, which was or was not realized. Immersion in childhood gives awareness, space for choice and the opportunity to become a good parent to yourself. Contrary to popular belief, this is not about criticizing adults. In childhood you can find a resource.

Therefore, in order to live well in the present, it is often worth delving into the past. True, with a psychologist this path will be somewhat easier.

6. “Always trust your feelings”

Before relying on emotions, you must learn to identify them and their causes.

Maria Danina

Everything would be fine with this advice if our feelings were not sometimes born from irrational and destructive beliefs. For example, a person with an anxiety disorder may believe that their anxiety signals real danger. Trusting his feelings leads him to avoid the frightening situation and to intensify the symptoms of the disorder.

Our feelings, according to Danina, are just a reflection of our experience. It is important to learn to distinguish between those situations in which this experience is useful for us, and those in which it can harm and prevent us from living a full life.